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Posts Tagged ‘#selfacceptance’

Today I turn 55. Birthdays are usually a let down but not this year. Maybe it’s because of what I’ve been through this past year, that I had no expectations. Instead of dwelling on only getting a few cards, I am happy to be alive. To be able to move my body around freely of my own volition and let my mind wander wherever it desires. To spend the day alone while hubby is at work would’ve at one time made me sad. Except that is my new reality. I’m home alone while he’s at work 5 days a week. But it’s not a bad thing. I have 3 wonderful dogs as my constant companions. I get to take them on a walk every day and get fresh air and be among nature.

I have no idea where the metamorphosis came from. I have been weaning off of the antidepressant Lexapro (generic) and only have 3 nights left of taking half a pill (5 mg.) and then I’m done. I feel so good about it. It served its purpose but I want to experience life fully without being numbed out. After all these years of disliking myself, I am finally starting to accept myself. I always wanted to be perfect which is impossible to achieve. Now I’ve accepted that I’m not perfect and am ok as I am. Even if I’m not everybody’s cup of tea, I’m fine with it. I’m starting to like myself which I never thought would happen.

Today is 9 months since Mom passed away. When I mentioned this to Greg, he said, “Then she died on the (anniversary of the) day you were conceived.” I told him no, since I was 2 weeks late. Even before I was born, I didn’t want to leave my mother. If I could have one wish today, it would be to have her with me. I’m not sad though because I still remember her being here and all we shared. Even though Greg saw us together for almost 31 1/2 years, I don’t think even he knows the extent of the bond I had with my mother. We had so many “inside jokes” and sayings only we said to each other. I think I’ve mentioned it before. We used to both say, “You’ve got so many nice things” and the other person would answer, “I’ve got you!” It always put a smile on our faces and made us feel loved. I’ve told Greg about this and he’s heard us say it. Yet sometimes I say that to him and he just says, “Yes, I do.” For the life of him, he won’t answer as she used to. Mom also used to call me Kitty which I miss terribly. She hadn’t called me that for a few years when she died but she’d called me that most of my life. Greg used to call me that occasionally when he’d hear Mom call me that. Now he won’t call me that at all. I’m not complaining, just missing the connection Mom and I had that no one on earth can replicate.

I had mentioned wanting to go to a Hawaiian themed restaurant since I’ve never been. It does look pretty corny though. Hubby would rather go to the casino buffet so that is where we’re going tonight to celebrate. Mondays are 25% off too. I’m sure I’ll find something good to eat. I’ve been working hard on losing weight, even starting using the exercise bike on the days he’s at work. I started at 10 minutes and I’m up to 21 minutes a day. Hubby brought home a strawberry coffee cake from the bakery at work plus some brownies for me. The thought was nice but I have to watch it and only have 1 piece a day and not go hog wild. I don’t want to undo all my good work. I had wanted to do some baking which I sorely miss. But now that he’s bought the baked goods, I have no need. I don’t think he realizes how much joy I get out of baking.

Gardening was one of my mom’s passions. That and sewing. She could grow any type of plant and spent a ton of time weeding for me. Up until she was 88 years old, she worked in the yard every day. I think it’s what kept her young. She babied me and spoiled me and I never had to weed while she was around because she kept everything neat as a pin. Now I’m taking to weeding with a new relish. I think of her every time I do it and it brings me joy. Instead of thinking of it as work, I think of it as something that makes me feel close to her.

I’ve mentioned before we don’t do cards or presents. Especially since we get presents anytime we want when out treasure hunting at estate sales. Friday Aug. 4th we had our whole day mapped out. Sometimes we start near us and go farther out as the day goes on. This time, we started far out in Hoffman Estates, IL. We went tot he first sale and got there a little early. While waiting, a closer parking spot came up and Greg went to start the Jeep and nothing. The same electrical problem that’s been plaguing it on and off for a few years was back. This time it wouldn’t start at all and the gages were flying around. The back window went down on its own and the doors wouldn’t lock. We went into the sale, bought a few things, came out and tried starting it again. No luck. So we called AAA and had it towed to a dealership a mile away in Schaumburg, IL. We’d never been to Ziegler Chryster Dodge Jeep before. They said they didn’t think they could fix it for a few days. They wouldn’t give us a ride home since it was more than 5 miles away. I offered to give them $20 to take us home. They wouldn’t give us a loaner, it would be $35 a day. Then the guy writing up our order said, “Why don’t you call an Uber?” I told him that to me that’s like hitchhiking. I just never wanted to do it. It’s like meeting someone on Craiglist. I don’t want to be murdered, robbed or raped. We told him we wanted to see a salesman while there to see about a new car. He set us up with a guy that was a terrible salesman. Greg test drove a 2017 Jeep Grand Cherokee Overland. I call it The Overlord because it just suits it better. It has literally everything you could want and don’t need in a vehicle. It’s so fancy and pretty and expensive. He told us list price was $48,000 and after incentives it would be $46,000. Online they list incentives bringing it down to $40,000 and lower with trade in. I know we’d never buy from that dealership in any case.

Since we had to get home somehow, I downloaded the app and signed up for Uber. I expected a young kid to pick us up but it was an older retired guy. It was $25+ and went fine. The worst part was we had to take everything we’d boughten out of our Jeep since they couldn’t lock the vehicle. It was also raining and we got them to put a piece of plastic over the half open window in the backseat. We got home and were both anxious and upset and we ended up arguing over stupid stuff. The day was basically ruined. We heard back from the dealership that is was fixed at 5 pm but they wanted to let it sit for an hour and a half to check it again and make sure it worked. It cost $381 which is worth it if it truly is fixed. We went at 7 pm to pick it up, I drove Greg over in my car and then followed him home again. We had to wait while they gave it a free car wash which they could’ve done before we got there.

Sat. we surpassed our record and hit 10 estate sales in a single day. It sounds better than it is. It wasn’t that much fun because the sales weren’t good ones. The first 6, we spent a total of $1.50! 50 cents for a washcloth at one and $1 for a masonic bible at another. It was discouraging. Then we hit one that had silverware for Greg to use making jewelry and wind chimes. Plus I found a few books and ephemera. It’s actually more fun going to only 2 or 3 awesome sales that are “digs” than it is to go to a bunch of mediocre ones that don’t have much. For my birthday, I want to go to the flea market in Elkhorn, WI next Sunday. It’s only held 4 times a year, I think. We’ve never gone because it is a distance and Greg works on Sundays. I just want to go once to see what it’s like.

2 weeks ago, my car got a nail in the passenger side rear tire. Greg drives it to work on Sundays and he must’ve picked it up then. We took it to our local mechanic and he kept it overnight and then we picked it up the next day. It was $20 cash and I was happy to pay it and have it over with.

I will try to catch you up on everything in my next post. Thank you for being there and following me through the years. God bless!

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