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Posts Tagged ‘#flatline’

There are 2 topics I feel I should write about: our first RV trip with my mother-in-law along and our upcoming 25th wedding anniversary. Unfortunately, I feel unable to access my creativity. I’ve been taking an antidepressant since April 27th (the generic of Lexapro). Starting with one 10 mg pill a day and going up to 2 pills about a month ago. I can’t say I like it. It has been great for my anxiety and I don’t worry like I used to. I don’t get upset over little things. As I said before about the medicine, I’m still sad inside but it doesn’t allow it to surface. I’ve only cried maybe 3 times since I started taking it. It basically has leveled off my emotions so I am one level of emotion at all times. That doesn’t seem human to me. It calls to mind the Stepford Wives. In the movie, they replaced the wives with robots. Now they just need to administer antidepressants to them and they behave accordingly.

I know I’m not bipolar yet I’ve always felt things very deeply. I could sympathize with others more than most people. Grief over a pet felt like ripping my heart out. I always had boundless enthusiasm and when I was happy I was beyond joyful. Now instead of life being a series of peaks and valleys, even rollercoaster rides, it is steady like a flatline on an ekg. I believe all the emotions are there underneath but they can’t get out. They are being held in check, pushed down by an invisible barrier. I don’t have any of the energy the doctor said I would have. I’m able to function but concentrating isn’t any easier. I don’t feel inspired to do things or achieve things. I don’t care enough to fight or stick up for myself. I don’t dwell on unpleasant things and just try to get through each day. I have no expectations for myself or the future.

 

I normally have so much to say. Especially when I write. Surprisingly, as much as I’d like to write about the two above named subjects, I CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY!!! What the what?! How is that possible?

 

I’ve been trying to slowly lose weight and after a month (and being on vacation), I’m down 5 lbs. I ate lunch everyday on vacation too. I would be happy with the loss if I felt it or saw it. I don’t feel any different (even with a few lbs. I lost since Feb.) and for sure don’t look any different. I’m not letting it discourage me though. Hubby is losing slowly too and now has his diabetes where it should be. He is taking 80 ml of insulin every night and as he loses weight, the dose will be lowered. He’s seeing the doctor again July 6th.

 

The oddest thing about how I feel on this antidepressant is that things that used to bother me don’t anymore. I used to feel SO BAD because I didn’t have any family or friends. Now i don’t want any. I simply don’t care about it. It doesn’t matter to me and isn’t important. I find this very strange. In some ways, I feel like my personality is missing. This medicine has changed who I am and I don’t know if it’s for the better. I don’t talk as much. I sit quietly and am content. I have completely pulled back from social media. The medicine hasn’t given me the confidence I was lacking so I could share parts of myself without feeling like no one was interested. I don’t know what will become of me. I feel like I’m slowly fading away into the ether…never to be seen or heard from again…

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