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Posts Tagged ‘#failure’

It’s amazing how I always start everything with the best of intentions and then it fizzles out. I’m gung-ho and don’t really think it through when I make a commitment like my last post. I was going to post a selfie every day for a month. Sadly, that lasted 4 days. I was already sick of it. I couldn’t think of any way to be more original or interesting when taking the photos. I figured if I was that sick of doing it, others would be even more sick of seeing them. I don’t know if that’s true or not. I didin’t just skip a day with the plan to start back up the next day. On the 5th day, I didn’t post and then said, “I’ve ruined my streak. I give up.” My selfie plan went the way of every diet I’ve ever started. I can do it for a few days and then it turns into too much work. Or too much of a bother. Or I don’t see results.

I was doing the selfie thing to try to get myself over my selfie phobia and self hatred. 4 days isn’t going to cut it. It just shows how lost I am with coming up with my own solutions. Now I’m even more embarrassed that I didn’t follow through. I should’ve known better. I have a history of terrible follow through. If I promise something to an individual, I move heaven and earth to keep my word. Of couse, I’ve pretty much quit making promises because I don’t like the pressure. But a promise I make to myself, I don’t feel the need to honor. It goes back to me thinking I’m not worthy of it. It’s a Catch-22. This seems to be a common problem. I see others swear an oath to a new start of “eating clean”, a “90 day cleanse” or working out daily. They post their meals and workout outfits like they were entering a contest. A week or so later, they’ve put it on the back burner and soon it disappears entirely. Then a month later, they are pledging allegiance to the same thing again. I can’t do that. I’ve failed at the selfie thing even though I had some wonderful support from people on Twitter, Instagram and the blog. Now I’ll just try to post a pic when I can force myself. But I know there’ll be days where I won’t want to. I’m not going to make myself. This brings my expectations of success in the final outcome way down. To the point of impossible.

My knee has been all hosed up. A few weeks ago I was squatting in front of the kitchen sink. It sounds like I was going to take a dump there but alas, no. (Blame my train of thought on hearing about people in Walmart and other stores dropping trou in public and doing their business. I can’t even imagine, nor do I want to.) I was trying to reach way in the back underneath the sink. Like doing the deepest knee bend ever. I’ve always squatted as need be, sometimes it’s easier than bending over because I can see things head on instead of upside down or sideways. At the time, I felt excruciating pain. Almost like a burning and tearing. I had to pull myself up. Both knees were sore for awhile but I didn’t think much about it. Then a few days later, my left knee was painful as heck. On the side and behind the knee. Going down into the calf. I have too much to do to just rest, so I walked the dogs, carried laundry up and down the stairs, etc. Just business as usual. Now it’s worse than it was a week ago. I don’t want to have to go to the doctor or have surgery. That’s not an option when I have to care for Mom. It just feels like another thing to add to my list of Reasons To Be Depressed. I’ve never been one to have knee problems. I guess that makes me lucky. It gives me new appreciation for my MIL & SIL who have had knee replacements. I don’t want a new knee. I just want mine to work again! I think I must be the most impatient person in the world when it comes to healing or being sick. Heaven help the world if I ever end up in a wheelchair because I’d have to do some heavy plotting to keep myself on deck.

Hubby went to a Super Bowl part after work on Sunday. I was invited too but had to decline because Mom can’t be home alone at night anymore. I didn’t pout but was hurt that there was a time when hubby wouldn’t have gone anywhere without me. I guess I shouldn’t take it personally? Maybe he’s sick of missing things too.

This blog post serves no purpose except to acknowledge my failure. I’m not going to beat myself up about it. If I had follow through, I’d be a millionaire, thin and have several published books. Instead, I’m just a regular schmuck who lets herself down. Maybe there are worse things to be…

 

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Since the arrival of 2012 (and probably a few weeks before), people have been blogging their New Year’s Resolutions. They have such high hopes for the New Year, setting goals, making wishes out loud and planning to become “better” by announcing their will to lose weight, save money, read more books, spend more time with loved ones, devote time to relaxing or growing their own vegetables, pampering themselves via spa treatments, etc. The lists go on and on. I have nothing against New Year’s Resolutions for others, aside from being skeptical that they will be long lasting. For myself? I don’t think I’ve made any since I was about 15 years old! I already knew myself well enough to know that a diet I would start on Jan. 1st would not make it to Day 12. It wouldn’t matter what I would resolve to do, I have poor follow-through.
 
Due to not wanting to set myself up for failure, I decline to set goals or announce any big plans that will more than likely fall through. Ideally, I suppose even the most happy people have something they want to better about themselves or their lives. I shouldn’t say I don’t want to “better myself” but I don’t want to be unrealistic. I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment, to be made worse for not accomplishing something else. Also by broadcasting my resolutions, it just draws attention to my inability to follow through and shows how lacking I am as a human being.
 
If I had a resolution this year? It would be to blog more. I can’t even make that “promise” since I know deep down, I’d be content if I even blogged as much as I did last year. It’s too easy NOT to do things. A resolution doesn’t really put the right kind of pressure on me. It doesn’t motivate me but it does make me feel like I’m not living up to what I could or should be doing. Hence, to me, it’s a negative thing, not a positive one.
 
I try to be positive in life as much as I can which seems to have caused me to drop my own expectations for myself. In some ways I have thrown in the towel on things like trying to lose weight, dressing up, keeping a dust-free house, etc. I don’t really push myself beyond trying to be a human being. I don’t know if that makes sense but some days it’s a victory just to survive. Not that my life is so bad or anything of the sort. It’s more a feeling like whatever I get done over and above the basics every day, is a bonus. I get dressed every day, no matter what. I haven’t resorted to laying around at home, expecting others to do things for me. I wonder if I’m letting myself off the hook but not striving for betterment? I don’t know if people are doing those things to impress others or just to make themselves feel better inside. I don’t think setting goals and riding myself hard to complete them would make me feel better inside.
 
Reading others’ New Year’s Resolutions makes me feel like an underachiever most of the time. The stuff people think up to do is quite ambitious. My favorites are ones like “Smile more at random strangers”.  Now they’re coming up with one word that you’re supposed to choose to define your 2012. I’m not someone who could limit myself to 1 word to describe ANYTHING. I couldn’t even pick several words for this year. If you held a gun to my head, I would come up with one: HELP. Not to get help from others or even to give help to others but to help myself as much as possible. I worry too much. I hold myself to a standard that most couldn’t live up to: expecting my memory to be perfect, expecting myself to be able to think of everything at all times, berating myself when I make mistakes (big or small), etc. I need to help myself cope with life so it’s not such a struggle. Sometimes I feel bad saying my life can be a struggle. Obviously, it’s not–it’s my perception of my life. I am so naive to think that even though life isn’t fair, if I do everything right, life will go smoothly. It doesn’t!! Never has and never will! And yet, I can’t accept that and still think I have some kind of control. Even at my age, I’ve got a lot to learn…

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