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Posts Tagged ‘#depression’

There are 2 topics I feel I should write about: our first RV trip with my mother-in-law along and our upcoming 25th wedding anniversary. Unfortunately, I feel unable to access my creativity. I’ve been taking an antidepressant since April 27th (the generic of Lexapro). Starting with one 10 mg pill a day and going up to 2 pills about a month ago. I can’t say I like it. It has been great for my anxiety and I don’t worry like I used to. I don’t get upset over little things. As I said before about the medicine, I’m still sad inside but it doesn’t allow it to surface. I’ve only cried maybe 3 times since I started taking it. It basically has leveled off my emotions so I am one level of emotion at all times. That doesn’t seem human to me. It calls to mind the Stepford Wives. In the movie, they replaced the wives with robots. Now they just need to administer antidepressants to them and they behave accordingly.

I know I’m not bipolar yet I’ve always felt things very deeply. I could sympathize with others more than most people. Grief over a pet felt like ripping my heart out. I always had boundless enthusiasm and when I was happy I was beyond joyful. Now instead of life being a series of peaks and valleys, even rollercoaster rides, it is steady like a flatline on an ekg. I believe all the emotions are there underneath but they can’t get out. They are being held in check, pushed down by an invisible barrier. I don’t have any of the energy the doctor said I would have. I’m able to function but concentrating isn’t any easier. I don’t feel inspired to do things or achieve things. I don’t care enough to fight or stick up for myself. I don’t dwell on unpleasant things and just try to get through each day. I have no expectations for myself or the future.

 

I normally have so much to say. Especially when I write. Surprisingly, as much as I’d like to write about the two above named subjects, I CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY!!! What the what?! How is that possible?

 

I’ve been trying to slowly lose weight and after a month (and being on vacation), I’m down 5 lbs. I ate lunch everyday on vacation too. I would be happy with the loss if I felt it or saw it. I don’t feel any different (even with a few lbs. I lost since Feb.) and for sure don’t look any different. I’m not letting it discourage me though. Hubby is losing slowly too and now has his diabetes where it should be. He is taking 80 ml of insulin every night and as he loses weight, the dose will be lowered. He’s seeing the doctor again July 6th.

 

The oddest thing about how I feel on this antidepressant is that things that used to bother me don’t anymore. I used to feel SO BAD because I didn’t have any family or friends. Now i don’t want any. I simply don’t care about it. It doesn’t matter to me and isn’t important. I find this very strange. In some ways, I feel like my personality is missing. This medicine has changed who I am and I don’t know if it’s for the better. I don’t talk as much. I sit quietly and am content. I have completely pulled back from social media. The medicine hasn’t given me the confidence I was lacking so I could share parts of myself without feeling like no one was interested. I don’t know what will become of me. I feel like I’m slowly fading away into the ether…never to be seen or heard from again…

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Another crazy busy couple of weeks have passed. We’ve been trying to have some fun to make up for the weekends that sucked. We’ve also been trying to get the garden ready for planting and start planning a vacation. 

 
In my quest to lose weight, I’ve started skipping lunch about 4 days a week. I’m into my 4th week of it and have lost about 1 lb. a week. It started out early this month that I had a bad cold and was too sick to eat. When I didn’t keel over from not eating, I figured it was a way to eliminate calories without noticing much. It’s easier for me to not eat than only eat a tiny bit. I’m trying to shrink my stomach from the inside so I don’t need to eat so much to feel full. I was never one for skipping meals. Lunch was the highlight of my day sometimes. I don’t know if I can keep it up longterm, esp. in winter. For now, it’s a temporary solution.
 
Greg’s still seeing the doctor every 2 weeks and he has to call on the weeks he doesn’t see him and report his blood sugar readings. He’s now at 60 ml of insulin daily. His numbers are getting close to what they should be. We’re guessing he’ll end up with about a 75 ml dose. After 2 weeks on 10 mg of Lexapro, I had to tell him how I was doing. I still feel sadness but don’t cry anymore. It has totally leveled me out so that I don’t get happy either. He upped the dose to 15 mg. On a scale of 0 to 10 with 0 where I started and 10 being where I want to be, after 10 mg I was at a 3, then after 15 mg I was at a 4 or 5. He had me switch to 20 mg and i really don’t notice any difference. Some days I wonder if even a fistful would work. I no longer think this is the right thing for me. I am going to give it a try longer but it isn’t doing what I’d hoped. I kind of feel dead inside.
 
Thurs. May 18th, after his doctor’s appt., Greg went to pick up the RV from the shop. Afterwards, he took it to where we store it in Elgin and was going to vacuum it. The generator wouldn’t start. He called them right away and they tried to walk him through different things to get it to start and it wouldn’t. So they had him bring it back over and sure enough, they had cut a wire! They had changed the oil in the generator and somehow cut a wire. It never would’ve started at that rate. For $1700, you’d think they’d do better work. Greg doesn’t get mad about things like that but I would’ve been livid. Luckily, he didn’t bring me along. He got it vacuumed but we need to do some surface cleaning of countertops, nightstands, sinks, toilet, etc. which can’t be done until we have it here in front of the house.
 
Thurs. May 11th, we went up to Wisconsin to bring his mom her Ancestry DNA results. We also took her to lunch at the Machine Shed restaurant which is like a Cracker Barrel. We did this as a Mother’s Day gift. We didn’t know if she’d like her DNA results since she thought she was German, Irish and Native American. It turns out she’s 37% Great Britain and the rest is Eastern European and Scandinavian. She was absolutely thrilled! I jokingly told her she was related to the Queen of England and she believed me. I had to tell her no, but I’d be calling her that anyway. We also broached the subject of having her come along on our first RV trip this year. We’re going to Green Bay, WI and that’s where one of her other sons lives. I didn’t know if she’d want to just ride up there and back with us and stay with Brian and his wife. Or if she’d want to stay in the RV. There’s plenty of room but she’s just not used to it. 
 
On Sat. night, we finally decided when we’d be taking our trip. Leaving next week Thurs. I basically let Greg decide. I wanted to go away for our 25th wedding anniversary but he has an important work thing he’s in charge of on June 26th and he wants to be at work for the 2 weeks ahead of time to get things ready. He’s got a doctor’s appt. on Thurs. June 1st and it’s not until 11:15 am which means we’d get a late start. If he’s not worried about it, why should I be?! He called his mom that night and asked if she was free to go that week. She said yes and would call Brian and see if she could stay there. She got back to Greg on Monday and said it would work out. 
 
Both hubby and I are nervous about having her along. Maybe for different reasons. I think it’ll be nice to have company in there but don’t know how she’ll react to it. I’ll probably be making some food to take along but we’ll also do some cooking inside like usual. We’ll have to drive up to Pewaukee, WI in the RV on Thurs. aft. and pick his mom up and then go to Green Bay. There’s not really anywhere to park the RV so she’ll have to be ready when we get there. We’ve got a ton of things planned to do when we get up there—whether or not she comes along. I wish I could say I’m excited but I’m not. I don’t look forward to anything anymore. I don’t know how it can be so hard to be happy.

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