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Posts Tagged ‘#coping’

I had hoped to get back on here with regular updates of our quarantine status but got waylaid by life. Hubby has been home since March 20th. He’s on his 3rd week of working from home. It is going fairly well. Previous to home confinement, he would get up at 5:20 am to go to work (45-60 min. drive) and I would roll out of bed when I felt like it which was usually 7-8 am. Now I’ve been going to bed when he does (11:30 pm) and getting up with him. I am a zombie and fall asleep a couple of times during the daytime and sometimes in the evening. I end up taking at least a one hour nap most days. I never believed in naps but now it’s out of my control. My body just gives out and I pass out. So the days seem longer but no more productive. Hubby seems to love working from home. He is tired but less so because he gets to cut out all the driving both ways. 

 
I’ve been cooking all our meals for almost 4 weeks. They are pushing curbside delivery and takeout but I don’t see how it’s safe to rely on someone else preparing your food during this time. As much as I could use the break from cooking, I’m willing to wait until the Coronavirus is in the rearview mirror to eat out. We took the 3 dogs to the vet yesterday for their yearly checkup/ heart worm blood draw. Ivy also got her rabies shot. I know I could’ve put it off but I don’t want to be worrying about the health of our elderly dogs now. Amber has been acting odd. Over the winter she was a bit constipated and then I’d find she’d sneaked downstairs to the basement and crapped on the floor. Now we keep access blocked and it hasn’t been a problem. About a month or so ago she started eating dirt. I read up on this online and it’s pika like people get. She seems to have stopped that after a few weeks. Now her eyes have started to weep and she is getting stains under her eyes. I’ve always hated to see that on dogs. I try to clean it but she won’t let me. She doesn’t like for me to brush her or pet her and she screams and gets aggressive. Next month will be 2 years since they got attacked and she was pinned down by the Newfoundland. The vet seems to think that it’s not physical or dementia but “phantom pains” from the traumatic experience. I don’t see it getting any better but she’s got a good few years left yet. She’ll be 12 years old in June. Greg has been walking the dogs with me daily which has been nice.
 
March 23rd our internet/ wi-fi went out at 10 am. It had been working that morning and then when we got back from walking the dogs, it was not. Greg called AT&T and spent 2 1/2 hours on hold. All he kept getting was a recording to reset the modem. We had tried that countless times before calling. He called again on Tues. and was on hold for 1 1/2 hours. This time he got someone to schedule a technician to come out the next day. Between 8 am and noon is always noon. He didn’t even have to come in the house. There was a break in the line on the telephone pole above our neighbor’s yard. It was great to have internet back after 50 hours without it. Mostly because we’ve been watching Netflix and couldn’t for 2 nights. We started The Walking Dead which Greg was a huge fan of. He and my mom had watched it together. I tried at least twice before to watch the first episode and couldn’t get into it. Greg had watched up to Season 6 Episode 10 but we started from the beginning. We are already up the middle of the 4th season. He says there’s a lot he doesn’t remember. It just seem appropriate with what is going on in the world. Yesterday walking the dogs, we saw 2 older people with masks on walking. I swear they looked like “walkers”. Somehow I refrained from “taking them out”. 😉
 
Greg’s birthday was April 1st. Anyone having a birthday during quarantine knows that it won’t be your typical day. We didn’t really celebrate at all. I didn’t make a cake or any dessert but did make what I now call, “Birthday Beans”: canned beans doctored up with brown sugar, molasses, ketchup with chopped onion and ground lamb. So good! Last week I was able to get boneless, skinless chicken breast for 99 cents a pound. I bought about 8 lbs. and cooked it in the crockpot with onions and peppers. You can make a multitude of things with it. Today I’m making homemade broccoli soup. 
 
Last Sunday I had a terrible backache. I’d had it most of last week but Sunday was so bad, I almost went through the roof. I felt like I’d been in a car accident without knowing it! My upper back/ ribs on both sides felt injured. I finally broke down and took 2 Tylenol which helped. The next day it was gone! I’ve been in shock all week that I don’t have the awful pain anymore. I tend to believe the body will heal itself but not in all cases. This Coronavirus seems to be a different animal. One of my local online friends just said her dad is in ICU with pneumonia from Covid19 now. 
I had all kinds of plans to write snail mail letters to keep in touch (I owe everyone). So far I’ve only managed one. There’s always tomorrow! How is everyone else coping so far? I was so thrilled to find toilet paper yesterday. I never thought something so mundane would actually bring joy! Now if I could only find liquid hand soap. If we can’t, we’ll end up busting out 25 year old bar soap from hotels/ motels. Hang in there and glove up! 🙂

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2016 arrived a month ago amid no real fanfare. A year can be very long or very short, it all depends on how you look at it. Time has always gone fast for me but now it’s at the speed of riding a bullet train and looking out the window only to register a blur of vision. One year has run into the next and I still haven’t gotten used to it being in the 2000’s… In some ways I feel like I’ve lost 15 years. I can’t even tell you where it went except at times it feels  like I wasted it. When I was younger I could remember specific years by “that was the year X happened” or “so and so got married in 19__”. I could look back at each year and something major would have happened that I could recall. Or maybe several big (not huge) things happened, spread out from season to season. Nothing stands out from the last several years. I don’t know if it’s because nothing of consequence happened (true) or if my memory is getting so bad (also true), nothing registers anymore. Now it’s more of “oh that’s the year X died” or “that’s the year the basement flooded and we had to replace several appliances”.

I am so distracted lately. I’ve been having trouble thinking of words or I say the wrong word. I can’t always string a whole sentence together that makes sense. It’s like, when did I have a stroke and how did I not notice?! My temper is perpetually short and I sleep very fitfully, if at all. I don’t know if it’s the Winter Blues again or just life in general and my circumstances in particular getting me down. I didn’t even get a 2016 calendar until yesterday! That used to be a big deal to me to get a new calendar. I looked forward to it and I spent time copying from the old to the new various birthdays and milestones. I always put myself last. First I was busy with vacation, then catching up. Then I didn’t want to pay full price for a calendar when the new year had already started. I did get it at half off but it wasn’t worth the anxiety of worrying I may end up going all year without one. It would bother no one but me if I sacrificed and gave up having a calendar. No one would care if I did without but I would feel terrible….

 

I’ve always willingly admitted I have trouble coping. Now it’s reached epic proportions. It doesn’t  help that I’ve had a bad cold for a week, then my period comes on and my leg has gotten so painful, I can hardly walk. Greg now has the cold as well and Mom seems to be fighting it off. We went to 2 estate sales on Friday and both were awful. We had to wait over half an hour at the 2nd one to get in and chatted with the gal ahead of us in line. Then when we were inside looking around, she runs up and tells us that she couldn’t believe it when she walked into the bathroom and it was FULL of chalkware fish and mermaids! She bought them all dirt cheap. I happen to collect those but also sell when I can. I just can’t believe my luck that she got to them first. This was a couple hours into the sale. I didn’t let on how upset I was but hubby knew. When we got to the car (after buying nothing), I told him it was bad enough she beat me to them but she had to come up and rub my nose in it! Hubby said she probably didn’t mean to do that but was just excited because she got such a great deal on them. Argh. My plan to achieve a Martyr Complex is coming along swimmingly….

 

My life is pretty much summed up in a couple of analogies. Hubby’s Jeep Grand Cherokee is a 2004 with 79.000 miles. He was going to wait until he had 100,000 miles before he even entertained the idea of a new one. With the ongoing problems he’s been having lately, he’s been thinking of purchasing a new one non-stop. This just fuels the fire of finances. Every time I think we might get ahead, something like that comes up. So there’s a couple of problems with his current Jeep. One is the ignition that sometimes he turns the key and nothing happens. No noise, no lights, etc. Other times it won’t turn at all with the key in. We’ve purchased this lead powder that you put into the keyhole and it sometimes works, othertimes not. Looking it up online, “they” said to tap the ignition (with the key in) with the heel of a shoe. As the passenger, I usually volunteer to take mine off to do it. Then there’s a wiring problem with a short in the driver’s side door. The lock won’t unlock using the remote or even the switch inside the driver’s door. The remote quit working except for the lock which works sporadically. Greg replaced the battery in the remote and that did NOTHING. A few times the window won’t go up or down but it’s mostly the lock. This short also affects it starting and a year ago Greg had to call AAA to get a tow. They got it working but talked him into taking it to their shop. He did and they never could figure out what was wrong.

 

The day before Christmas vacation, after Greg had brought the RV in front of our house from the place we store it at and towed the Jeep behind, he went to start the car and NOTHING. The gages were jumping and lights were coming on but no sound from the engine. He tried multiple times and then had to call AAA. This time they towed it to the same auto mechanic shop. He told us it would be a priority since we were leaving the next morning. Of couse, that seems to mean they drag their feet. At noon the next day, they hadn’t even gotten it into a bay to check on it. So we had to make the decision to leave it in their incapable hands for 2 weeks! while we went to Mississippi. This is the first time we’ve gone down there without a tow vehicle. We were limited to where we could go since we didn’t want to have to pack everything up in the RV and unplug to drive somewhere. We did that once when we went to the Dollar Store to buy period supplies. Yes, I did that over Thanksgiving vacation too. How does one get so lucky?! It’s not vacation unless i”m bleeding like a stuck hog. We went on Christmas Eve and there was a mob buying last minute gifts. We also went to the ATM at the bank, thinking we might need more cash (we didn’t.). Then we went over to Sam’s Town Casino just to eat a late lunch with our free points. It’s only across the street from where we stayed but there’s no way Mom could walk it and they don’t  have a shuttle or cabs anymore.

 

Anyway, my llife is summed up by how difficult it is to do simple things. Like for Greg to open the Jeep, he needs to open the driver side with the key, GET IN, shut the the door and flip the inside lock on the door. Even to open the back of the Jeep. I feel like basically every aspect of my life is like that. My mom always kept her pots and frying pans inside the oven. I’ve always done it too. Except to use the oven has turned into a huge hassle. I have to lift all of them out and usually carry them to the dining room table. Then back again after baking. To get in the freezer we keep in the garage, I have to move a ton of empty spare boxes that we keep for mailing out things people buy on Etsy. There’s nowhere to put them but on the stairs behind me on the way up to the kitchen. By the time I get it all moved and get into the freezer, dig around for what i want and then put it all back, I’m exhausted. Same goes for using the crock pot. It’s already on the counter which should be the easy part. But there’s a ton of crap in front of it that has to be moved to the dining room table so I can clear an area around it. Then after using it, I have to clean it up immediately since I have to move everything from the table back to the counter before morning so Mom can eat her breakfast there. The latch that releases the dust bin on my 4 yr. old Dyson vacuum broke a few months ago. To empty it (which I do after vacuuming every room), I need to use a screwdriver to get it open. Life has gotten way too complicated…

 

Obviously we’ve got too much stuff. Our house is too small. But what is the solution? The thought of moving is daunting. It’s not even that I have this house exactly how I want it so hate to leave. It’s the amount of work and energy involved in packing and unpacking, let alone house hunting. Moving with Mom around isn’t an option. So we just keep on plugging along, wondering if things will ever get easier.

 

There was a contest on Instagram that I wanted to enter. They asked for you to write down a dream of yours. Sounds simple enough. Except I don’t have any. I used to have so many. I don’t even know when I went from having many to some, let alone NONE. I’m not just being dramatic. I feel like there’s nothing I can hope for. I used to want to go to Europe but then couldn’t afford it for so long. Then we chose having dogs over going abroad since we don’t want to ever put them in kennels. I used to want to live in California. No one else really shared my desire. They tried to humor me until I gave up. Mom and I were going to move to CA back in 1983 instead of Milwaukee but it was too expensive. Mom didn’t think we could afford it even though we’d been talking about it for years. When I met Greg I told him I wanted to live in CA someday. He would casually mention it like he remembered and it would someday happen. Now he’s made it pretty clear he doesn’t want to.

I used to want to be thin and gave up on that. That’s a whole other blog post for me to delve into someday. I used to want to publish at least one book. I see so many other bloggers getting published and feel no jealousy. It just doesn’t feel possible for me. It no longer feels like good things can happen to me. No, I don’t have the worst life. Or even a bad life. It just seems like there was more balance between good and bad. Now the good is so few and far between that maybe I don’t even recognize it.

 

My inability to share my life with others  has gotten worse. I can do it on my blog but no where else. I used to be able to share anything on Twitter and interact with others daily. Same on Instagram although I didn’t post selfies. Now I’m almost paralyzed and unable to post pictures since before the new year. Part of me feels like no one cares what I post so why do it?! I’ve always been worried about overposting, making people sick of me. I feel like I’m not getting anything out of social media anymore. I realize that you get out of things what you put in and I’m no longer contributing. I’ve been expecting someone to appear and take an interest in me and drag me out of my shell. That’s not happening and it’s unrealistic to think it would or could.

 

I’ve put off writing a blog post since I didn’t want to bring anyone else down with my current mood. It doesn’t seem like it’s going anywhere so I have to do something. I can’t mope around anymore. I can’t wait for anyone else to take hold of my life and make things right. I’m sure a lot of this stems from my low self-esteem. I used to dislike how I looked outside but liked myself inside. Now I hate myself inside and out. Hate is not too strong a word. I don’t dwell on looks, my own or others so I don’t know why I’m so hard on myself. It’s not even a matter of being fat. I know I wouldn’t like myself any more if I was thin. I feel like people see no worth in me and have finally convinced me that I’m worthless.

 

I’ve decided to try an experiment starting Feb. 1. I barely look in the mirror at myself because I can’t stand to see myself. All I see are flaws and ugliness. I’m going to FORCE MYSELF to take a selfie every single day and post it. It will probably make me cry. I could cry now just thinking of doing it. I may not last the month but I’m going to try. I might have to try writing down one good thing about myself each day also. If I can think of any. I’ve mentioned before that I don’t know how others got such high opinions of themselves. I REALLY WANT TO KNOW. There are people twice as fat as me that think they’re beautiful. How does this happen?! How do you start loving yourself? Until I learn how, I’m fat on the outside and dead on the inside.

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