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Posts Tagged ‘#antidepressant’

Since I last wrote, I am happy to report that I’ve started to heal from the loss of my mom. 3 weeks from today will be 9 months since she passed away. I can say with some confidence that will be all the time I need to fully accept her death and no longer have the empty feeling I had right after it happened. It takes 9 months to grow a baby and bring a new life to fruition. Logically, 9 months should be enough time to come to terms with the death of a loved one. Of course, it’s not as cut and dried as that. I will still miss her and think of her every day. I may even still occasionally have a bad day. But now I think I can go on without feeling so alone. Everything she taught me and all the time we spent together prepared me for this eventuality. Looking back, I really expected too much of myself to be over the grief in only a month or two. That was totally unrealistic. I wouldn’t expect someone else who went through this to be over it so soon. Yet I’ve always set high standards for myself which are impossible to meet.
April 27th, I had finally succumbed to the idea that I needed an antidepressant to survive the pain. As I’ve documented in my last post, it made me a ghost of my former self. Unable to reach any depth of emotion (happy or sad) and basically numbed out. It masks feelings which creates a zombie like existence. I’m sure different people react differently to different meds. I can only speak to how they affected me. I had made my mind up that I would slowly wean myself off the Lexapro and told the doctor when I saw him on July 6th. I had read up online and just like you have to slowly up the dose when you start them, you have to slowly decrease the dose. I came up with my own game plan and informed the doctor I’d be taking 2 weeks of 15 mg (1 1/2 pills), then 2 weeks of 10 mg. I’m seeing him again on July 27th so we’ll see if I need to go down to 5 mg for a few days before quitting all together. I read about all kinds of bad reactions people got from stopping. I haven’t felt any of those. He had me start taking them a few hours before bedtime instead of in the morning which works better for me. I am excited to be off them and see if anything carries over from my time on them. 


I don’t regret trying Lexapro (generic). I think it served its purpose. I could never see being on it long term though. One thing I learned to do while taking it is relax. I was always a person on the go and never sat still for long. I mean, I can sit and watch movies or tv but during the day I would be into one thing or the other at all times. I never liked wasting time and felt I should be doing something. This tended to make me a nervous person who would worry if things didn’t get done. On Lexapro, I’ve been able to sit and do nothing. I don’t exactly like the zombie feeling but I am calmer. I’m hoping that I’ve learned how to relax and know that things will wait for me. I don’t have to stress. 


Another reason I think I’m healing from the grief is that the last month or so I’ve been able to enjoy things again. My hubby and I have been having so many great weekends. We’ve been doing our usual treasure hunting for vintage and finding a lot of cool things. A few weeks ago we went to a tack sale just over the border into WI. We saw a sign as we were driving and pulled over. It was a horse farm and the woman running it was selling bridles, saddles and any and all horse equipment. A lot of it was new. We have no need of this but didn’t know if she’d have other things for sale. She had 2 paintings I loved but neither were for sale. My husband I call “Chatty Cathy” because he can get to talking to a stranger and goes on forever. Long past when I’m ready to leave. It all depends on his mood. That day he was talking to the woman while I walked around. She said she had baby horses (3 weeks old) and he asked if we could see them. So she took us out back. She had about 21 horses and 3 were babies. We were standing by the fence and they were talking. One of the white arabian horses came up to me. I asked if I could pet him. She said yes so I spent at least 20 minutes (maybe longer) loving on a horse! Trigger was his name. He had thrown his owner off 2 years ago and she’d had shoulder surgery that had finally healed. He took a shine to me and I couldn’t get enough of him. I was waiting for hubby to stop talking & he was waiting for me to be done petting the horse. We were at a deadlock. I got such joy out of it and the experience stuck with me ever since. I would love to have horses but they are expensive and a lot of work. We’d have to have land or a place to board them. You really can’t go away on vacation with horses unless you have someone to care for them while you’re gone. Then I started looking up places to volunteer online and they’re all over an hour away.

We’ve also been eating out a bit on the weekends. We aren’t used to eating out since last year I ate out about 4 times. We tried going out a few times earlier this year and it just felt strange. Not having mom along felt wrong. Now I know I’m healing because I can go out to lunch with my husband and say, “Mom would’ve loved this!” but not get sad. I can enjoy the whole experience. Sitting across from my hubby and sharing conversation, atmosphere and good food. It’s like we’re courting again! 😉 We found a pizza place called Paisan’s in Cicero which was just a delight. We hadn’t had pizza in 6 months and even after eating it, hubby’s blood sugar readings were normal. We also had a wonderful meal at Grand Duke’s in Summit, IL. Both of these places are on the south side of Chicago. Hubby had eaten at Grand Duke’s once before about 13 years ago and hadn’t quit bragging about it. We just so happened to be at an estate sale not far from there this past weekend and hubby suggested it again. It has the atmosphere of an old supper club in Northern WI. All dark wood inside. They specialize in Lithuanian, Polish and Bavarian food. I’m always up for trying something new. Hubby ordered us 2 Lithuanian combo platters. I have no idea what all of it was: kugelis, zeppelin, potato sausage and sausage with sauerkraut. It was mouth-watering. It was the type of food you just savor and marvel at the skill involved in making it as well as the flavor profile. It was nice to have a really memorable meal. I ended up with leftovers that I brought home and had the next day.


I’ve also been able to really enjoy our evenings again. For the longest time it was hard to watch tv without Mom. She always watched whatever we watched, sometimes falling asleep if it didn’t interest her. What we’ve been watching recently on Netflix I’ve enjoyed immensely. Netflix is the bomb! First we watched Switched At Birth and then The Fosters. Most recently The Crown. Now we’ve got to find a new series to watch. 


I hope everyone is having a good summer. I can’t believe the year is more than half over. I feel like I missed it while grieving. I guess I did. Healing just takes time and we forget that time heals all wounds. It’s not just a saying, it’s the truth.

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There are 2 topics I feel I should write about: our first RV trip with my mother-in-law along and our upcoming 25th wedding anniversary. Unfortunately, I feel unable to access my creativity. I’ve been taking an antidepressant since April 27th (the generic of Lexapro). Starting with one 10 mg pill a day and going up to 2 pills about a month ago. I can’t say I like it. It has been great for my anxiety and I don’t worry like I used to. I don’t get upset over little things. As I said before about the medicine, I’m still sad inside but it doesn’t allow it to surface. I’ve only cried maybe 3 times since I started taking it. It basically has leveled off my emotions so I am one level of emotion at all times. That doesn’t seem human to me. It calls to mind the Stepford Wives. In the movie, they replaced the wives with robots. Now they just need to administer antidepressants to them and they behave accordingly.

I know I’m not bipolar yet I’ve always felt things very deeply. I could sympathize with others more than most people. Grief over a pet felt like ripping my heart out. I always had boundless enthusiasm and when I was happy I was beyond joyful. Now instead of life being a series of peaks and valleys, even rollercoaster rides, it is steady like a flatline on an ekg. I believe all the emotions are there underneath but they can’t get out. They are being held in check, pushed down by an invisible barrier. I don’t have any of the energy the doctor said I would have. I’m able to function but concentrating isn’t any easier. I don’t feel inspired to do things or achieve things. I don’t care enough to fight or stick up for myself. I don’t dwell on unpleasant things and just try to get through each day. I have no expectations for myself or the future.

 

I normally have so much to say. Especially when I write. Surprisingly, as much as I’d like to write about the two above named subjects, I CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY!!! What the what?! How is that possible?

 

I’ve been trying to slowly lose weight and after a month (and being on vacation), I’m down 5 lbs. I ate lunch everyday on vacation too. I would be happy with the loss if I felt it or saw it. I don’t feel any different (even with a few lbs. I lost since Feb.) and for sure don’t look any different. I’m not letting it discourage me though. Hubby is losing slowly too and now has his diabetes where it should be. He is taking 80 ml of insulin every night and as he loses weight, the dose will be lowered. He’s seeing the doctor again July 6th.

 

The oddest thing about how I feel on this antidepressant is that things that used to bother me don’t anymore. I used to feel SO BAD because I didn’t have any family or friends. Now i don’t want any. I simply don’t care about it. It doesn’t matter to me and isn’t important. I find this very strange. In some ways, I feel like my personality is missing. This medicine has changed who I am and I don’t know if it’s for the better. I don’t talk as much. I sit quietly and am content. I have completely pulled back from social media. The medicine hasn’t given me the confidence I was lacking so I could share parts of myself without feeling like no one was interested. I don’t know what will become of me. I feel like I’m slowly fading away into the ether…never to be seen or heard from again…

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