Narcissism

Below is the post  I wrote on 12/12/12. I had something else I published around that time so was going to wait a few days to post this. Then the Newtown, CT tragedy happened. At that point, I didn’t want to post anything. Everything seemed so trivial to what the families of those children were dealing with. The country as a whole was wrapped up in what had transpired to the point of not having much interest in a nything else.I didn’t want to write a post about the shooting and its aftermath because there were thousands of others doing that already and much better than I could. There are so many blogs out there that delve deeply into painful subjects to the point where I get depressed and tearful reading them. It’s almost exhausting for me to invest so much emotionally in the painmongering bloggers. I never want my blog to be a downer for people. I want it to be food for thought, not make you feel like your heart’s been ripped from your chest.

 

I have a million other posts on my brain that are more timely or that I wanted to write before the year comes to a close. Instead I find myself fired up enough to write about Narcissism. I’m using a capital N because a small n just won’t show how big of a deal this is. My online dictionary app defines the noun as: an exceptional interest in and admiration for yourself. This has reached epic proportions in our society. I was taught that everyone should love themselves. I don’t and never have. I can like parts of myself and maybe love things I’ve accomplished but I have never been able to love myself. It’s not anyone’s fault that I can’t except maybe my own. I’m not bringing this up now to delve into the depths of my soul to uncover why I don’t love myself. That’s for another post.

 

Instead I want to marvel at how others are able to so easily love themselves. First off, I think having a blog is a form of self-love. A person has to think they have something worthy for others to read. So with the number of blogs out there, there’s a healthy appreciation for just about every blogger’s writing skills, sense of humor, ability to turn a phrase, bring out the pain from their past or the optimism to look for the best in every situation. That’s not really at issue here either. Even if a person dwells exclusively on their own feelings, activities, opinions, that doesn’t make them a narcissist in my eyes. To me, I have never had the level of self-confidence where I seek out attention on my looks. Part of this is from being fat all my life. I’ve never reached my goal weight but have come close. I feel like the same person no matter what. On Instagram and Twitter, there is a constant stream of self portraits (selfies) flooding in. I understand people wanting to document where they are and what they’re doing at all times. It’s a sign of the times. It’s the constant barrage of pictures taken in a bathroom mirror or while sitting in the car, etc. It’s like bragging. Some of the people that do this I do find beautiful. Others could not be considered attractive by any measure. Yet they all think they need to be seen every 10 minutes. I don’t think I’m jealous per se. Maybe just jealous that they have such a high opinion of themselves. I happen to think there’s nothing more beautiful than someone who doesn’t know they’re beautiful. They don’t flaunt their looks, they just live and people notice.

 

This isn’t a complaint as much as it is commentary on the importance of looks in our society. People no longer dress up like they once did yet I swear they have more self-esteem than any generation before them. In a world that can be cruel and judgemental, I guess it’s good that people are tooting their own horns. To a degree! I’m not a vain person by any stretch and sure wouldn’t want to ever be described as shallow. Nowadays I wonder if being shallow is considered a bad thing anymore. People seem to not hide their vanity or be ashamed at how superficial they are. Remember how it counts just as much what’s inside a person as outside? If we could take a picture of what’s in our hearts and the goodness inside us, would people still post a million pictures even if the contents of their souls were empty? Maybe everyone thinks they’re good looking even if they’re not. Sure, looks are subjective. What one person thinks is beautiful, someone else might be repulsed by. Maybe everyone thinks they’re a good person, even if they’re not. Like pedophiles, arsonists, rapists, murderers, etc. all thinking they are deep down a good person. I’m not buying it. If they do, they’re delusional. Maybe as far as looks go, I need to let people be delusional about how good they look. Instead of writing a blog post, just unfollow them.

 

I don’t want people I follow or the people I like on Instagram to think I’m talking about them. From what I’ve noticed over the years, the ones who get overly sensitive when you complain about something are the ones who aren’t doing it! The ones who do it will not think I’m talking about them! In any case, when someone takes a nice picture of themselves on Instagram, I “like” it if I think they look nice. I give compliments freely, when in the mood. I don’t know if that’s part of why people are putting self-portraits on there. If they are itching for compliments. The ones who get the most are probably giving the least. I think everyone who gets one compliment should have to give 2! To anyone. If you don’t get any, you have to give 3. I’m not talking fake compliments, I’m talking genuine. You can find something you like about someone else, can’t you?! If not, you might be a narcissist.

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Chop Chop: Happy Hair Day!

August 2nd was Happy Hair Day for me. I had a 10:15 am appointment to get my super long hair chopped off. This is something I had been thinking of doing for over a year. Talk about procrastination! I didn’t know what hairstyle I wanted or who I wanted to have cut it. I just kept waiting, expecting the answers to magically fall in my lap. That I’d see the exact hairstyle I wanted somewhere or someone would recommend the perfect hairstylist. I didn’t just sit idly by, I spent time looking online. Anyone who’s ever looked up businesses on Yelp! knows that those reviews are so subjective. A place will have mostly 5 stars and then have a few 1 star horror story reviews. I just wasn’t comfortable taking the risk this time.

 5-6 yrs ago I had donated 13 1/2″ of my hair to Locks of Love. That time I found a hairstylist online by looking at the Locks of Love website. (They have since taken the links to salons down off their website.) Her name was Madeline and she was an older woman who worked part time. The salon was in the town I live in but on the south side. It was a good experience and I was happy with the initial cut. I went back to her a few times later but then eventually started letting my hair grow out again. Since I was stuck in a rut and couldn’t decide, I figured I’d go back to Madeline. I knew what to expect and I felt pretty comfortable with her. I had no pictures of the before, during or after that time so I had my husband come along to photograph Thursday’s session. He volunteered, I didn’t force him.   I went overboard with the pictures this time and posted most of them to Instagram who sent them to Twitter for me. I am going to attempt to put pictures in this post. If you don’t see any, you’ll know I failed. If they are screwed up, you’ll know I tried.

 

As I said in my previous post, I was tying this hair cutting event to my milestone birthday which is happening on Tuesday. I’d built it way up in my mind, to the point where I was as nervous as if I was going to the doctor. And that’s pretty nervous! There was nothing to be nervous about except the unknown. I had a few pictures on my phone of short haircuts so I showed them all to Madeline and explained what I liked about each one. My hair is naturally curly so I used to just scrunch it when it was long and wet and it would curl right up until I combed it.

 

Madeline is such an expert at cutting hair, she can talk a mile a minute and her fingers are just automatically working in tandem with her tools of the trade to cut the hair. It was great to be back in the hands of a professional. First she put a cape on me and got some rubberbands to ponytail up my hair. She didn’t have a ruler so used a comb marked 6″ to measure how long my donation was. It was 6″ twice plus at least 3″ more. So 15″ total. The salon was now taking hair donations for Wigs For Kids and already had 4 other ponytails to send along with mine to the charity. Madeline then cut through the hair above the rubberband. She placed it on table of the station next to hers. She had my husband fill out all my info to mail in with the donation while she took me back to be shampooed.

 

At this time she told me my haircut would be free! That was such a nice surprise. At the end of the haircut I thanked her and tipped her $20. I hope that was fair. I’m not familiar with going to salons and what they charge and how much most people tip for a haircut. I wanted her to have something for her time. It took about 40 minutes total and she’d alotted 45. Anyway, after the shampoo she worked her magic and actually listened to what I said and did it! That really impressed me. She made it as short as I wanted while giving me a soft feminine look which was important to me. It felt so good to have it short. Like a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Today it is even more noticeable. I look in the mirror and I feel like I was hiding behind all that hair.

 

I love being able to help someone in ways other than money. I could have not donated my hair and just let it be swept up on the salon floor and put in the garbage can. Instead, it made me feel good to get a fresh start and give back to someone else who needed and would appreciate the hair. I recommend anyone who’s thinking about doing it to give it a try. If only I’d started doing this when I was younger, I could’ve made it a hobby and done it like 6 times already!

 

To make the day bigger and even more memorable, we left from the salon right over to the Driver Services Facility, also known as the DMV. The closest one to us is in the next town over, Niles, IL. It was ridiculously crowded so I had a 1 hr 35 min. wait. For renewing a driver’s license and getting a vision test. I barely passed the vision test which scared me half to death. I know I can’t see as good as I should. It was exactly 2 yrs ago I got an eye exam and glasses and thanks to genetics, I’ll be getting new glasses the rest of my life. Anyway, I need to get in and get a new prescription in the next few months. At least something went right and I passed! I then had to go wait in line at the cashier and pay my $30 renewal fee. Then wait in line to be sent over to the seating area for photography. There was only one open seat there so I sat squished in with a bunch of people and waited. They called us up in groups of 8 people to stand while they had one person at a time sit in front of a blue background. I didn’t wear any jewelry because I didn’t want to worry about the earrings while I was getting a haircut but it would’ve been nice to have some on for the picture. Thankfully, my new license is good until 2016 and hopefully longer! The last time I’d gotten my pic taken there was 8 years ago. 4 years ago they had let me renew through the mail. I paid and they sent me a sticker that I affixed to the back of the license to extend the expiration date another 4 years. All this because I was a Safe Driver and their facility is overcrowded.

 

We rounded out the day by having lunch at Dick’s River Roadhouse in Mount Prospect, IL. It’s a sports bar that serves food. They have the best ribs anywhere! They had sent me an email certificate for a free entree for my birthday so I wanted to make sure we went on a day they had ribs. It was a great way to celebrate feeling short hair sassy!

Me in salon chair before

Cutting off ponytail

Me holding the tail like a dead rodent

My 15″ tail of hair

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Almost A Blog

I didn’t spend a lot of time picking the name of my blog. My original idea was Go Big or Go Home which sums me up perfectly. Unfortunately, that was already taken like most of the good ones are! The only criteria I had for a blog name was it to be a Dot Com and not a .net or any other internet address except one ending in .com. I also didn’t want it to be too long or something hard to remember. The next idea that came was a suggestion by my husband for this one. I liked it immediately due to what it stands for (which I’ll explain in minute). I was too naive to bother to see if anyone had anything similar. I just put it into Go Daddy and saw it was available so jumped on it. It took me 9 months after acquiring the domain name (an entire pregnancy) to get up the nerve to write my first blog post.

 

I have since learned that Almost A Kiss is a song from New Moon–one of the Twilight movies. That is what comes up for several dozen pages of a google search. Almost Kiss is a Kiss Tribute band. I knew none of these things when I chose my website name. Ignorance is bliss or I’m sure I would’ve picked something else.

 

My husband and I are as busy as anyone else out there but we always make time for each other. In the mornings, he is busy getting ready to leave for work and I’m tending to the dogs and eating breakfast, etc. We always kiss hello and goodbye when one of us leaves. I don’t know how we got in the habit but it has stuck. Sometimes we’re in such a hurry we both move towards one another and our lips get about 1/4 of an inch away and we almost kiss. We usually say, “That was ALMOST a kiss!” Sometimes we try again with more success and other times we’re in too big of a rush to make our lips actually meet. No matter what we have on our schedule for the day, we should always try to take time to give love to those who are important to us!

 

I should’ve called this Almost A Blog (alas, it’s taken! I just checked) because with how infrequently I write, it hardly qualifies as a real blog. I’d like to hear how everyone else chose the name for their blogs.

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Life List

It seems to be the latest thing to post a Life List. I asked my hubby what would be on his and he said nothing. He’s done everything he wanted to do. That’s the danger of living long and living well. I’ve done most of what others would include on a Bucket List like learning to scuba dive and traveling from coast to coast. Ideally I’d like to try everthing ONCE except risky things like skydiving & bungee jumping, I’ll pass on those. So here’s my list because it’s easier to make a list than to write a real blog post!

 

Try Turducken.

Ride in a limosine.

Go to a BlogHer & Blissdom.

Make my own scented soaps.

Make my own scented candles.

Publish a cookbook.

Have the dogs’ pictures taken sitting on Santa’s lap.

Go to Europe.

Sew my own clothes and curtains.

Have “something” named after me. It could be a child, a dog, a perfume, a dress, ANYTHING. I just would like my name to go on after I die.

Have one of my pictures go to the popular page on Instagram or get more than 32 likes (current highest number)!

Ride a camel.

Move to California.

Go clamming.

Go up in a hot air balloon.

Volunteer at a food pantry.

Serve Thanksgiving to the homeless at a shelter.

Participate in a flash mob.

Get a henna tattoo.

Taste Baked Alaska.

Sample a martini & a cosmo.

Win something cool once.

Make my own laundry detergent.

See the Grand Canyon & photograph it.

Have one picture taken of myself that I actually love.

Be on the set of a soap opera (Y&R or B&B) being filmed,

watch & meet the stars.

Watch the Packers play from a skybox at Lambeau Field.

Go to the Football Hall of Fame.

Go to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

See the giant Longaberger basket & shop in their outlet store.

Write a Life List so that I can cross something off immediately!

Attend a service in a Jewish synagogue.

Have an entirely Jewish meal somewhere where I can watch how they separate the milk & meat dishes.

Have a birthday card shower for myself cuz if I don’t, who will?!

Catch a halibut & get it mounted.

Go to the Coney Island boardwalk.

Grow a Bonsai tree.

Attend a party on a yacht.

Someday have a walk-in closet and a large kitchen.

Write a children’s book.

Have someone take me under their wing and treat me like family. So I don’t have to worry about being alone in my old age.

Be named a child’s Fairy Godmother.

Give yoga a try.

 Read all the magazines that have piled up for years.

Be featured on an episode of Hoarders.

 (Just checking to see if you’re reading.)

Have everything in my house in perfect order. (This needs to be filed under Things That Will Never Happen.)

Make my own jam from scratch.

Make my own pasta from scratch.

Have a picnic in Central Park.

Try all types of ethnic foods I haven’t tried. (Palestinian, Afghani, etc)

Go to Hawaii.

Go to SXSW Music Festival in Austin, TX.

I want to see the beauty of British Columbia and Newfoundland in person.

I want to try making herb infused & fruit infused vodkas.

I must try a bialy. I’ve never even seen one.

I have to go to BadHappyPoutineShop.com and sample their wares. I can’t die without tasting poutine.

Get up enough guts to do karaoke and a stand up comedy routine.

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Forget Me Not

This is getting interesting. I started 2 posts prior to this one. One I started last week and never finished about writing styles and how some bloggers make me feel dumb. Someday I will tackle that one again. In the meantime, I started another one last night about relationships and how they almost never seem to be the way we want them to be. Hopefully, I will go back and finish that one soon. Except for my list of 100 things, all my other posts I just sat down and wrote in one sitting. I don’t like this going back later and trying to finish since there’s a good chance I won’t. Lack of follow through, remember? Plus I’ve lost the initial writing adrenaline for the topic. It’s also too easy to pick apart what I’ve written and lose where I was going with the subject. Where was I again? I’m only partially kidding. That’s what made me change course and decide to discuss what’s really bothering me right now.

 

In between making appointments this week to take my mom to the ENT doctor and the audiologist, I made dental cleaning appts. for both hubby and me. Tomorrow I’m taking my elderly car (almost 18 yrs. old) into the dealership to have the passenger side window fixed and the door (it won’t open, probably due to the window). It’s been a few weeks that I’ve been driving it with the window up and unable to be opened (probably the motor) which wouldn’t be a big deal but I haven’t had working air conditioning for years and it’s summer. I drive it very seldom, like a few times a week at most to do errands (library, grocery, bank, etc). the You should’ve seen me take my mom to the drive-thru at the bank. She had to sit in the backseat and it was like “Driving Miss Daisy”. I’m not having the a/c fixed since it’s an old car and I’m not made of money. Besides, it’s almost autumn and I won’t need it. There are a lot of little things that need to be fixed on it as well but I’m just going to opt for the major thing and hope the price doesn’t kill me. It’s still cheaper than a new car. I happen to love my old Pontiac which still drives like a dream!

 

My life is as busy as the next guy’s and with having a garden I’ve been trying to use up whatever I harvest as it comes along: rhubarb, tomatoes, zucchini, cucumbers, peppers, etc. I can’t stand to see food go to waste so It’s taking up a lot of time making spaghetti sauce and cucumber salad from scratch. The reason I’m bringing up all this stuff I’ve got going on is I’m wondering if having too much on my mind (and my plate) is what’s causing my memory to falter.

 

It is scaring the bejesus out of me that I can’t remember what I used to. My husband never had a good memory so I don’t notice his being any worse than it was and I don’t think he does either. My memory was phenomenal. On a scale of 1-100, it used to be about 99 3/4. Now I’d rate it about 29. That is a long way to deteriorate. I realize age is a factor. My parents were in their 40′s when they had me. More than once my dad “forgot” to pick me up after school. I usually took the bus but due to some function I’d need to be picked up occasionally. This is back in the day when there were no cellphones. I never had money to use a payphone so would wait awhile, then start walking home. My junior high was 5 miles away. High school was 2 miles away. Eventually he would remember and I’d be at least halfway home. I would be so mad! I couldn’t understand how you could forget your own kid. Now I get it. I also used to be horrified at news stories of babies in carseats being left on top of cars while the parent got inside and drove away. I never thought I could do something like that but if I had a child now, I’d be so afraid I might. I haven’t forgotten anything major YET, it’s just the little things. I always say “I can’t think of everything”. I try to but I still forget stuff. I forget to wash parts of my body (in the bathtub) or can’t remember if I did them so do them again. I used to hear about people checking the stove to see if it was turned off or the door to see if it was locked over and over. Now I can’t remember if I just did something like that myself. I also need a list even for a few items at the grocery store. I used to be able to remember without a list. Now even if it’s 3 things, I need a list. I also forgot salt in a cake I made. I’ve never forgotten any ingredient before. It turned out fine but it shook me up thinking I’d have to give up baking if I can’t even follow a recipe anymore.

 

Alzheimer’s is the cruelest disease out there. I’m really not too afraid of having that but I would like to find a supplement or something to improve my memory. I am having a hard time just accepting that my memory isn’t what it was. My mom is 90 and just in the past year or so, her memory has started to slip. It’s not even every day but she’ll not remember that I made something before or won’t remember someone I’ve talked about a lot. She doesn’t let it worry her though. She has some days she’s like her old self and other days when she is not all there. But she’s 90! Probably watching her memory fade is causing me to worry more about losing mine.

 

Am I the only one losing their memory? Or is there something in the water? If there’s a vitamin or supplement you’ve taken that has actually worked, I’d appreciate you sharing it here. Also, any funny (or not) stories about something you or someone else forgot would be helpful.

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Picture This

We got back from our vacation last Friday and between all the excitement of getting the new iPad2 (this goes at the top of my list of favorite things EVER) and picking out plants for the garden, I haven’t had a moment to get my wits about me. I find myself getting stressed out simply due to the sheer busyness of my life. All the catching up when one returns from a trip is taking place plus starting to plant the garden (should finish tomorrow), getting a mammogram, taking urine samples in for Amber, paying bills, cooking meals and a thousand tiny things too numerous to mention. It makes me wonder how people with kids manage so well. In the midst of this, a brilliant idea came to me.

 

I don’t really have the time to do a post about this justice but can’t hold it in anymore either. I am absolutely loving Instagram! It is like Twitter with pictures. You can “like” others’ photos as well as make comments and even have whole conversations. You can follow different people and check out their photostream. I’ve always loved looking at people’s pictures, no matter the subject. I find it is the quickest way to learn about people’s lives and get to know them as individuals. It is so great to get to peek into people’s homes, see them, their kids, pets. yards, their collections, etc. I am one of the biggest Instagram cheerleaders. It’s like Twitter on crack. Now that I’ve convinced you all how wonderful it is, get ready.

 

I think we should have an Instagram Convention! Where anyone who wants to from around the country can come together and meet. We can take pictures, of course, but also just get to know., in person, the people we feel we know via Instagram. Silence (you can hear a pin drop). I was afraid of that. I don’t have anything set in stone yet but wanted to send out feelers to see who was definitely interested, who might be interested and who has no interest.

 

First let me say that I in no way feel like I should be the one running this. I’m great at coming up with ideas. I don’t think I’m the big cheese on Instagram (I’ve only got 112 followers where some have thousands). I don’t want to step on any toes or overstep by even suggesting this. The reason I am calling it a convention instead of just a party is because it’s the first one (that I’ve heard about). It’s such a long story but I was a co-host for the very first Slam Convention. Slams are little booklets with questions that you sign with your name and address and answer questions, then send them on to other swappers. There was probably 100 in our slam community and 13 came to the first one back in July 1997. It was Nancy’s idea (host) and she asked if I would help. I didn’t know what I was getting into but said yes. She provided the location, a cute 2 bedroom house in Gulf Shores, AL. My husband took off work and helped me load the car with all my baking & cooking supplies and we drove the 16 hours to AL.

 

It was a very informal setting with people arriving on Thurs. & Friday and leaving on Sunday or Monday. People were flying into Mobile, AL & Pensacola, FL and my hubby and Nancy would take turns taking them to or from the airport. I spent the entire time cooking which I loved. Between the 2 of us, Nancy and i were able to provide food for everyone, including desserts. Due to the expense of buying airline tickets, a lot of people didn’t have extra money for lodging or food. Nancy was able to set up cots in the LR and let several sleep there. Others got hotel rooms nearby. We’d get together every day in the morning and have lunch and dinner together. I made up games to play, gave out prizes, had a ceremony giving out awards for different categories, etc. People would break up into little groups to do different activities like going to the beach or shopping. I thought it was planned really well for being the first one.

 

I just wanted to throw out the idea and see what suggestions people had. I have no intention of doing this alone so anyone who wants to cohost, I’d be thrilled. We need to decide the venue, if someone had a location they could provide or would want to open their home. Or if they knew of a hotel that would give especially good discounts. Or maybe renting a huge beach house where the parties involved would kick in X amount per person.  I live near O’hare airport so picking people up at the Kiss & Fly lot would be easy for me. I could possibly arrange a hotel in the suburbs near me (trying to afford downtown Chicago for several nights is not in my budget). I’d be more than willing to cook. It keeps me from being nervous meeting new people.

 

If anyone likes this idea and wants to be the one to run it, please do! All I want is credit for the idea. Maybe instead of an individual convention, it should just be a party at a blogging convention? I’ve never gone to a blogging convention so I don’t think anything I could put on would rival a sponsored party. Everyone wants plenty of notice so a year from now would give enough time to get time off and make plans. Sometimes I wonder if I can handle the challenge but then I think about how much I love having something to look forward to.

 

Please let me know in the comments if you’d be interested and what the criteria for you to attend something like this would be. Like you’d only go if it was in a certain city or state, or certain month of the year, or if you could bring your family, etc. If you don’t want your thoughts made public, email me at edenbabe@aol.com and I will keep it on the down low. Thank you so much for reading this and any feedback is welcome. As I said, I just came up with the idea and haven’t had time to flesh it out or even bat it around with anyone.

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Hair 50

I’ve been working on my “100 Things” post for a few months. By “working on it”, I mean I typed up what that came to mind in one sitting and never looked at them again.  I did realize that too many of them centered around hair. One day I wondered why not make up a “Hair 50″ and leave more room for the “100 Things” post? So here I am. Anything you want to hear about in detail, you can mention by number in the comments. Feel free to use mine as a guide to post your own “Hair 50″.

 

1. I had cornrows once. I couldn’t resist getting them in Barbados.

2. I donated 13 1/2″ of my hair to Locks of Love 5 yrs. ago.

3. I want to do it again but can’t find a hairdresser.

4. I’m so uncomfortable in the hair salon setting. I just don’t like the atmosphere. Not to mention how hairdressers talk to you in such a judgey way.

5. I’d shave my head for charity.

6. My hair is naturally curly and gets frizzy in humidity.

7. I refuse to wear hairspray. Aside for my dislike of the chemicals, it makes me feel like I have helmet head.

8. I had a perm once at age 15. Never again. Plus the perm smell is one of the worst for me!

9. I don’t like using blowdryers either. I prefer to let my hair air dry.

10. I went blonde when I was 21 for 7 years.

11. I loved it. Blondes do have more fun!

12. The first time I did it from a box at home and turned it red.

13. Then I went to the salon and had it corrected by a witch.

14. The upkeep on the roots was horrid.

15. Usually I had my mom touch up the roots. When I went to a salon, they accused me of waiting too long between trips. I always went 6-8 wks out and they would argue that the growth looked like 3 months.

16. I was told by my hubby’s sister-in-law in front of everyone that my hair was green once (from swimming pool chlorine). How embarrassing.

17. As a kid, my mom took me to the beauty school for haircuts.

18. I’ve never cut my own hair.

19. My mom makes me cut her hair. I hate it and I’m terrible at it.

20. My husband trims my hair. He’s bald. He does a great job.

21. I used to get compliments on my hair more than anything else.

22. I don’t see a lot of hairstyles I like on others or in magazines.

23. I collect barrettes. I don’t have a ton but have more than most people.

24. I had the Dorothy Hamill wedge haircut at age 14 and liked it.

25. Riding a motorcyle without a helmet is never a good idea. Especially if you ever intend to get a comb through your hair again.

26. As a kid, my mom accidentally tried to brush my hair with pennies in the the brush (stuck in it from the bottom of her purse). Ouch.

27. I don’t like wearing hats but do when necessary.

28. I like the look of hats but not on me. I have a huge head.

29. I only use a comb on my hair, no brush.

30. I’ve had dandruff all my life. Even though I use Head & Shoulders.

31. I haven’t tried a lot but my favorite haircare line is Biolage.

32. I used to get Lori Davis hair products sent to me in the mail every few months.

33. Anyone who tells you Suave or other cheap drugstore brands are the same as the more expensive shampoos & conditioners, is full of it.

34. I’ve started getting a few gray hairs. My dad had a full head of hair and no gray when he died at age 74. My mom started going gray at age 18.

35. I’ve never done anything wild like had colored streaks in my hair or hair extensions.

36. I’ve wanted to have a piece of my hair tested for vitamin and mineral deficiencies ever since a coworker I knew had it done.

37. I get too hot to wear wigs but have worn them for Halloween. My fave costumes were Mrs. Butterworth (the younger, cooler version of Aunt Jemima) and Oprah Winfrey.

38. I hate my long hair getting caught in the vacuum and hubby hates long hair down the bathtub drain. Ack!

39. My hair was always oily but now it can be normal or dry depending on the weather.

40. I’ve never been one to wash my hair every day. 2-3 times a week is about right for me.

41. I won’t use a regular, plain rubberband on my hair. Scrunchies are never strong enough to hold it. Banana clips look ridiculous so I use barrettes.

42. In college I used a curling iron but never used a flat iron for straightening.

43. In high school and college I slept in curlers a lot of the time. The old fashioned, ugly type. There was a fire drill in college and I went outside in my curlers with no shame.

44. The first radio contest I ever won was for 2 tickets to the movie musical “Hair” and the soundtrack album.

45. I know how to braid but can’t braid my own hair. I love the look of a french braid but never learned that either.

46. I’ve had bangs and liked them except when they get too long and hang in my eyes. Also the awkward phase of growing them out sucks.

47. I’m fascinated and creeped out by hair jewelry. Made from human hair. Hair never decays. This trend was popular until about 1925.

48. I’ve never had head lice and just the thought of it would make me itch for a week.

49. Split ends are the enemy. So are tangles.

50. I’m hair challenged. It’s easy for me to think up 50 hair related things. Also it’s easy to enjoy angel hair pasta and the song “Sister Golden Hair” by America.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Confession: I’m a bad friend.

Blogging has become a way of life for some. For me, it has turned into an occasional hobby.  One of many things I dabble in but never quite master.  The only regret I had last year was that I didn’t blog more.  My resolution was to rectify that with more frequent posts.  Here I am a month later and nothing has changed.  How many blog ideas come to mind and I don’t follow through on them?  Way too many.  My “take” on a topic gets fleshed out immediately in my brain.  If I don’t write it down, I’ll forget which direction I was going with it, if not the entire topic.  I’ve even slacked off on commenting on deeply moving posts I’ve read.  Such is the way of a busy life.

 

I have a confession to make:  I’m a bad friend.  There are no excuses for being a lousy friend.  Yet I’ve got them in spades.  Obviously one is the time element.  I’ve mentioned before how much trouble I have finding time for everything I want to do.  Making lists has helped but I never put “nurture a friendship” on the list.  I dislike email and rarely talk on the phone.  If I do talk on the phone, it’s usually after making a prearranged appointment with someone to talk for a predetermined amount of time.  I’ve never been great at multi-tasking.  So while others can bake a cake or do a load of laundry while chatting on the phone, I give my undivided attention to the phone call.  I am a good friend when I am “present”.  I consider myself generous, a great listener, enthusiastic to learn about others’ lives and always supportive/encouraging.  Too bad I’m always in the middle of something and don’t want to “bother” others by calling them. 

 

After close examination of my relationship patterns, I know I make a big point of not being the pursuer of the friendship. We’ve all had a friend that knew no boundaries and made you feel like you were suffocating.  That’s a huge turnoff.  It’s important to me that I never appear clingy, needy, pushy or demanding.  So to achieve this, I withdraw and don’t initiate contact.  I know this makes me look like I’m not interested in you.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I have some warped sense of worry about making a nuisance of myself.  I figure if people like me, they will want to be around me without me pushing myself on them.  This works in theory but with so many people in the world actually vying for your attention, I am forgotten.

 

I think of my friends often and wonder how they’re doing.  I miss them and would love to see them again.  I try to send birthday cards and remember the important things in their lives.  Even when I don’t get around to getting a card out to them, I still think of them.  The friendships that have survived are the ones that wouldn’t let me slip away into the woodwork.  It is easy to let someone you don’t hear from disappear from your consciousness.  The fact that I have any sustained friendships at all is probably a miracle.  I’d like to think that even if I’m not currently in someone’s life on a daily basis, I’ve still left an imprint on their heart or soul in some way.  Just being remembered is the greatest gift anyone can give me.

 

Then we have to examine the emotional distance factor.  Due to the way some of my friendships ended, I’m unable to trust fully.  I’ve got enough material on that subject alone to write a book.  One in high school was especially traumatic.  That’s an entire post in itself which I’ll cover in the future.  I will only let people get so close.  I’m not even aware I’m doing it.  I make friends pretty easily, if I want to.  I can strike up a conversation with anyone.  There’s times I have a really moving, riveting conversation with a stranger in a public place and then we part ways to never see one another again.  I’ve wondered why the person didn’t like me enough to ask for my phone number or email addy to keep in touch.  Maybe some people have really awesome conversations with everyone they meet.  Either that or everyone already has too many friends, they don’t need one more.

 

On a few very rare instances, I have felt such a connection or “clicked” with someone to the point of feeling like this was really special.  Unfortunately, I will throw myself into this friendship heart and soul (without crowding them).  Only to find out later, they must not have felt the same way.  Either that or they are waiting for me to be the pursuer.  In either case I end up hurt.

 

Many years ago, I met a new coworker who switched from days to nights.  We were working together and she was very friendly right off the bat.  As was I.  She was nice to everyone but took to me right away.  I showed her the ropes and we became inseperable.  She was older than me by a few years but didn’t seem like it.  Her birthday was the day before mine and we started planning a postal birthday party for the following Aug. (almost a year away).  We hit it off like no one else I’ve ever met.  She wasn’t a carbon copy of me in looks or even in likes or dislikes but it was like having someone just like me with me.  We could talk about anything and we did for the entire time we were at work (while still getting work done).  I looked forward to coming to work like I never had before.  We would both light up when we saw eachother.  We would laugh and I felt I’d met a kindred spirit.  She invited me to go whaling with her to Martha’s Vineyard to her brother’s house if her daughter couldn’t go.  Well, the daughter did go.  I didn’t mind.  She decided to get married during the time I knew her.  She’d been with this guy for over 10 years.  I threw her a party at work to celebrate complete with food and gifts.  The first thing that tipped me off was when she asked me to stand up for her at her courthouse wedding.  She asked me if I would do it IF her other friend wouldn’t.  This other friend was someone who had worked with her on days and she’d chummed with her the way she was currently with me.  I told her I would stand up for her but just wait and see what this other friend said.  Of course the other friend did it.  We got along swimmingly until right before our birthday when the hardcore party planning came down.  She had written for another job on days and got it.  She was to start 2 days before the party so wouldn’t be able to go to a party at 6 am like us 3rd shifters could.  I was SO disappointed and she didn’t seem disappointed AT ALL.  It made no sense to me.  I begged her to ask someone if she could start the new job a few days later so we could still do the party.  She didn’t even want to bother.  I was so disillusioned.  The party was scrapped entirely.  After she left, my life was so empty.  I had other friends at work but I had kind of gone “all in” with Carol and now felt totally alone.  I had no one that wanted to talk to me THAT much.  Work became so hard to go to.  I sent her a few cards saying hi but never heard from her more than once.  I’m sure she went on to immediately find a new best friend among her new coworkers.  It broke my heart. 

 

I have priorities and as valuable as friendship is, it’s not at the very top of the list.  I’m a wonderful daughter, an excellent wife, a fantastic cook and a great mom to 2 dogs.  There’s not enough of me to go around which is part of why I’m a bad friend.  I can live with that.

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On Pins and Needles

My life has been a whirlwind since returning home on Sat. Jan. 1st.  We had a relaxing 16 night stay in Tunica, MS in our motorhome.  Nothing more taxing than unhooking and driving 100 feet for propane refills twice. Our days were filled with free buffets, gambling on penny slot machines, watching DVDs of Hill Street Blues, drinking free Coronas, watching football games, reading books, long walks with the dogs in the field next to the golf course, finding golfballs, taking photographs, long walks in the woods and on the levy chasing armadillos, etc.  I’ll be the first to say I’m spoiled.  We didn’t even have 3 weeks at home after our 16 days there over Thanksgiving before going back!

 

While we were gone, hubby found out he has to go to Los Angeles for a week for work on Sun. Jan. 9th.  He got an email stating he needed to make hotel reservations by Dec. 31st. They had reserved a block of rooms for everyone who would be at the event.  The morning of Dec. 30th, hubby calls to make reservations and there are no rooms left.  They will not give him the government rate, etc.  So he had to go into his emails on his laptop to contact the person in charge to let them know.  When he did, he found out about a potential job opportunity that came up the day before and was closing the following day.  Usually the jobs are open to apply for for at least a couple of weeks.  We didn’t even have time to think about it but he got in his resume that day.  If he hadn’t had a problem with the reservation, he wouldn’t have even checked his emails and found out about the opportunity in time.

 

 Interviews would be Monday and Tuesday Jan. 3 & 4.  A decision would be made on Wed. Jan. 5th.  There were 3 positions available at a pilot program run by Auburn University in AL.  They are for a TSA Vapor-based canine handler.  This is my husband’s dream job.  He’d have to be away from home for 12 weeks: from Sun. Jan. 9th until April 1st (his birthday).  We’ve tried not to think about it in terms of what would change if he got it but we still both got our hopes up. 

 

You see, this isn’t the first time he’s been in this situation.  Oct. ’09 he got a job as a canine handler but had to wait until March ’10 to go to class in San Antonio, TX.  That was 6 months to dwell on it and think about what being apart  for 10 weeks would be like.  All the “what if” scenarios went through our heads including what if one of his relatives died while he was gone.  He’s got a HUGE family and they’d expect him at the funeral.  It was really agonizing having so much time to mentally prepare.  Of course this time we’d have a mere 4 days to get used to the idea.  Somehow that was more appealing.

 

Through no fault of his own, my husband was sent home after 6 weeks of training.  He had been given a dog with no drive whatsoever and the dog was like a rock on a leash.  It was a golden retriever that seemed to have no spirit.  Even the instructors couldn’t get the dog to do what they wanted.  My husband would never quit anything, he never gives up.  He should’ve made it through the class and everyone who knows him thought of everyone, he’d be the one to excel.  Unfortunately there were too many factors out of his control.  The instructors for this class were military men who picked 2 out of the class (my hubby & 1 Indian guy) and just bullied them non-stop.  Constant verbal abuse, belittling, etc.  It was traumatizing.  My husband didn’t even tell me everything that happened to him right away.  The Indian guy was kicked out of class at the same time and filed a lawsuit.  When the lawyers came to get Greg’s statement, he wrote up 9 pages detailing the instructors’ behavior.  Everyone who’s read it was horrified, including me.  It’s such a long story and not mine to tell but suffice it to say, it just shouldn’t have happened.  Ever since that time, my husband has been trying to get back into class (but with different instructors and dog, obviously).

 

Finally this other location and type of program turned up out of the blue, it just seemed like fate.  Greg asked his boss if he’d be given a fair shake at it and he said yes.  He also thought he did well in the interview.   I found out at noon today that he didn’t get picked.  He is a cargo inspector and they went with aviation inspectors.  Although he knows everything they know.

 

I expected this post to be me shouting from the rooftops some good news.  Instead it’s me feeling bitter disappointment again.  I know we have a good life and I shouldn’t complain.  However this was a chance for my husband and I both to feel vindicated.  That the time we spent apart before wasn’t “for nothing”.  I can withstand a lot if I know there is something at the end.  But to go through something and come up empty is very hard to endure.  I know we’ll survive but we’ve both agreed this is the end of the dream.  Now it’s on to making a new dream.  In the meantime, hubby still has to go to LA on Sun.  Phooey!

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Time Won’t Let Me

Today came down to either whipping out a quick overdue blog post or using the time to leave comments on several blogs.  I’m trying to stick to posting at least once a month and this month is almost over so I gave in to my desire to write and my panic that time is slipping away from me.

 

The majority of my anxiety in life stems from lack of time.  I constantly feel like I don’t get enough done (even though others tell me otherwise) and should always be doing more.  I have high expectations for myself that I would never place on others.  There’s only so many hours in a day and yet I sometimes kill myself scrambling to get done even a portion of what I’d like to accomplish. 

 

If I had my way, I’d cook every meal from scratch, bake goodies daily, keep up with the laundry & housework, read a magazine & book, spend time writing and being online, watch all the tv I want, walk & play with my dogs, make greeting cards & labels, run errands, go shopping, go to the library, keep abreast of all my Twitter friends, chat on the phone with an ex-coworker, play the cello, listen to music, be creative with some form of art, do volunteer work, etc. The list basically never ends.

 

Logic dictates that is it physically impossible to squeeze all of that into a single day.  So how do I come to terms with the fact that not everything will get done?  That some days I have to only do things that NEED to be done and none of what I actually WANT to do? That’s not a rhetorical question, I really want to know!

 

I am a living, breathing example of someone who thinks about retirement everyday, dreaming of all they will do when the magic day comes that they have “free time” again.  Then when the time comes, years pass and they never have time to clean out their closet or take up sewing their own clothes.  I left a very stressful job working nights when we moved here.  I had a brief stint as “just a housewife” (oh the unfettered joy) before taking on a home business.  Just because you’re home every day doesn’t mean you have any more time…

 

I was raised to be a well-rounded person and try as many new things as possible.  Unfortunately, there are now so many things I like and enjoy doing or still want to try, I could live to 150 and not even scratch the surface.  Is everyone like this?

 

I honestly don’t know how women with kids manage when there is so much to do: just taking care of the little things like paying bills, keeping prescriptions filled, making doctor appts., car maintenance, etc.  What does everyone tell themselves when they feel like a failure for not doing more?  That you’re doing the best you can?  I’ve tried that and it just doesn’t stick with me for long.

 

I’ve often thought that “something has to give”.  I need to prioritize and give up some things so I don’t have as much pressure.  How do you choose what to sacrifice?

 

I had a coworker/friend who actually made me feel lazy even though I’m not.  She would give up sleep to be working at home constantly cleaning or fixing things up.  Everything had to be perfect.  I don’t expect everything to be perfect but I’d like to see what it’s like once.  :0

 

I don’t want to give the wrong impression, I’m happy with the way things are but hate that I feel frantic when I have a super busy week with no down time.  This time of year tends to already have every single day spoken for with something going on.  I need to keep my wits about me so my anxiety doesn’t get the better of me.  Any tricks you’ve discovered to keep from getting overwhelmed in life would be appreciated!

 

P.S. The title of this post is a song I love by The Outsiders.  It’s from 1966 but I didn’t find it until the mid-80′s.  Good music is timeless!

 

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