Blogging With All My Heart

I’m almost embarrassed by the blog post I published yesterday. ALMOST. Only a few times have I been really happy with what I posted. Usually it’s when I take the time to write it and choose my words carefully. Yesterday’s blog post was like 5 posts combined into one. It was like one big run-on sentence. It was me wound up like an eight day clock and blathering at the mouth. Sometimes I go into too much detail and other times not enough. I pick the wrong titles for my posts. I usually pick them last as an afterthought. I don’t think of something clever for a title and then write my way around and into it. Instead I just speak from my heart. I tell my story of the past or present as I see it. I never know ahead of time how or where I will end my posts. I just sit down at my laptop and words tumble from me through my fingers. It’s that easy. I never am at a loss for words when writing. I never run out of topics, ideas, opinions or events to write about. I write for myself and hope that in a world where there is so much to read, people will deem me worthy to read.

I have a blog that fits no niche of any kind. It’s not a craft or cooking blog. I’m not a Mommy Blogger or Fashion Blogger. I’m not a gamer or life coach. Worst of all, as much as I’d like to think I’m funny, I know I’m not. Especially not when writing. I desperately wish I was. Then again, that wouldn’t be me. I’ve never used Spell Check in my life. That would be cheating. My grammar could use a good refresher course but I try to write the way I talk. I am a down to earth person and my goal is to never make anyone feel uncomfortable. There are people I dearly love on Twitter whose blogs I try to read and they make me feel stupid. They are intellectuals or they write in such a way with words that no one in my circles is even familiar with. They debate politics and philosophy and try to save the world. More power to them but I’m just not that deep nor do I want to be. I want to be someone you can talk to about anything and feel like you aren’t being judged. I want people to come to my blog to see someone dealing with real problems in everyday life and trying to put a positive spin on it. I want my readers to just want to check in and roll their eyes at some of my crazy opinions but like me anyway.

 I could’ve held back my post from yesterday until I could divide it up or edit it into a shorter, more concise package but that wouldn’t be me. In real life, I’m busting out at the seams and ready with a hug at all times. I may always have second thoughts of what I post but I’m not going to let them make me be someone I’m not. My blog has no direction but it mirrors my life which also has no direction. I could be ashamed of that too but instead I will carry on with a smile. I admire those who know exactly what type of blog they want or what side of themselves they want to reveal.

 

I got into blogging at a time when it had already jumped the shark. Now people are abandoning blogs left and right. I have fallen in love with blogging. It was love at first sight but it has grown stronger with each post I’ve written. I’m not about to give it up no matter what. I am a writer and I will write.

 

 

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A Day In The Life

A day in my life starts the night before. I’m one of those people who worry about everything so I try to make my life easier whenever I can. Which means doing things ahead of time whenever possible so I won’t feel rushed or forget. It also means thinking of every possible scenario and having a backup plan for everything if the original plan doesn’t work out. Of course, being human, I can’t think of everything and things happen daily that I’m unprepared for.

 

I make my husband’s 2 sandwiches the night before and put them in the fridge. I lay out his fruit (2 apples, orange, banana) and his snack mix (I make it every 2 wks or so and put it in little baggies–pretzels, m&ms, peanuts, almonds, raisins) on the kitchen counter. I make sure there are filled water bottles for him to take in the fridge. Then I place 3 cereal bowls on the counter (for hubby, Mom & me) with our vitamins and meds in them. Only once was I so sleepy that I forget to take them and put cereal and milk on top of them. Talk about nasty taste! I lay out a banana and her coffee cup for my mom, along with spoons. Sometimes I lay out a medicinal patch which I have to put on Mom every 4th day. I keep track of it on the calendar in the kitchen by putting a NP (new patch) on the day she’s supposed to get it.

 

In the morning, I have a routine I pretty much stick to like Rainman. I get up, get dressed while Elvis plays with some toys on the bed. I take him downstairs and let Ivy and Amber out of their beds. Amber’s bed is stacked on top of Ivy’s so I open her door, kneel down on one knee and have Amber jump out on my other knee and I give her a big hug and kiss. Then I open up Ivy’s bed and she runs out and they all go to the door. I let all the dogs out while I turn the heat up and open all the blinds/curtains. Let the dogs back in and drink water, then take care of my bathroom duties. Then I wake my mother up (sometimes I have to do this up to 3 times before she gets up). I feed the dogs before I feed myself. I have the 2 types of food in different containers that are air tight and I refill them as needed. I mix up more water with Benefiber and drink it during or after my Raisin Bran.

 

I make a pot of coffee for my mom and a glass container full of tea for hubby which he drinks on ice. I make 2 trays of ice cubes a minimum of once per day, sometimes 3 times a day. Hubby likes to chew ice and he shares it with the dogs as well.

 

I wash my glasses, then wash my mom’s glasses. Then I use Smooth Away (glorified sandpaper) on my chin hair. While eating my cereal and inbetween other stuff, I’m checking my iphone for the weather, my email, Twitter and Instagram. I’m not always able to read much of it or tweet but do what I can. Meanwhile, Elvis has stolen something that is forbidden and is chewing it up. I proceed to chase him which only serves to make him run away and my temper flares up. He is just delighted to see this big human dodging and weaving as I try to grab either him or the item in question. He also spends the day stealing things off one of the tables or knocking things over as he and his sisters play tag.

 

By this time I am figuring out what I’m making for dinner. Yes, I try to figure it out by mid-morning. I love cooking but it takes up a big section of my day. Whether I put something in the crockpot, oven or stove, it takes me about 2 hrs to make whatever I plan to serve. I like to have a homecooked meal ready when hubby gets home from work at 7 pm.

 

I take the dogs for a half hour walk every day, usually around 10 am. I have 2 routes I go (in opposite directions) that are a half hour each so I don’t have to time myself, I know when we get back home, it’s been a half hour. I do this year round unless the temperature is below 16 degrees, then I skip it. The dogs have a fenced in backyard to run in so they get plenty of exercise besides tearing around the house. The walk just gets rid of their excess energy at the beginning of the day and settles them down some so I can do other things. I also used to really enjoy walking in our neighborhood, meeting other dogs and their owners and talking to people. Since we got Elvis, it is really hard to manage the 3 leashs without getting tangled. I’m not loving it like I was but I’m hoping that changes as he gets older.

 

When I get back, I unload and load the dishwasher or take care of other chores like picking up mountains of dog toys, vacuuming the whole house, etc. Occasionally if I get some free time to myself, I will sit at the dining room table and sign a couple slams. As soon as I sit down, Amber brings me a ball or toy and wants to play. I usually drop everything and humor her since she loves playing fetch so much. Sometimes I go online and comment on a few blogs or I may even write a blog post of my own. I need to go through my email but it is so daunting that I try to get through it only when I can stand it, a few pieces at a time, about once a week. Any type of computer activity takes place with my laptop on the arm of the recliner and Elvis in my lap.

 

Then there are things I take care of but not daily: I’ll pay bills either online or via paper check, update the checkbook, go in the basement and read the water meter to send in with payment, call in mine or my hubby’s prescriptions to the automated refill at Jewel, order my mom’s prescriptions through Caremark (mail order), take mom to the ENT doctor to get the wax removed from her ears, take mom to the audiologist to get her hearing aid checked, replace battery in wireless mouse or remote control, order dogs’ heartworm medication from 1800PetMeds, etc.

 

Then there are the interruptions that happen as a matter of course in life: Mom needing a new hearing aid battery (I carry them in my purse), car battery being dead, car tires being low, gas being low, running out of milk or bread, any number of things breaking down around the house, etc. Our lawn mower broke down in early Nov. and hubby had to rent one for $22 to do the grass for the last time that year. We still have to take ours in to be fixed/tuned up. Our vacuum quit working even after all new belts and filters were put on. So we replaced it with a Dyson–so far, so good. Our snowblower quit working in mid-Jan. so hubby took it in to be fixed. That cost $185-it does work but so far no snow. Our 15 yr. old living room tv died so we went hi-tech with a Sony HD tv. We also need a new roof, new furniture, the list goes on.

 

By this time it is lunchtime (1 pm) and I feed the dogs first. Then I make Mom and I a sandwich or a salad. We watch The Bold & The Beautiful and The Young & The Restless while we eat lunch. The dogs pester us while we eat. Amber is well behaved and lays down next to me and waits for me to give her the crusts off my bread. Ivy stands over grandma and anything that falls she snatches up immediately. Elvis takes turns going from one of us to the other.

 

After lunch we get the mail which I then sort and put the junkmail into a box to be shredded. The rest of it I file away in a drawer until time to deal with. I may bake a dessert or start some laundry.  I may make some address labels or birthday cards on the computer which leads me to realize we are out of ink and I order more. Then I will deal with customers from our online collectible business. Someone will want to buy something which has me making a trip to either the basement, the shed or the garage to make sure we still have it. After our basement flooding so many times, things have been moved and ruined so we always need to make sure it’s here. Then I need to weigh the item and quote shipping. When they pay, I type up an invoice on the computer and hubby and I wrap it either at night when he gets home or on the weekend.

 

By this time I am getting the dinner ready to serve. At which point the giant serving spoon I use crumbles as I try to spoon up the casserole. We eat at 7 pm and watch tv afterwards. I put the leftovers away and repeat the whole cycle again. There are dozens of other things I contend with that I don’t mention but you get the idea. Nothing too exciting but it keeps me busy never the less. Now let’s hear about a day in the life of every one of you!

 

 

 

 

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My Resolution Stands: No New Year’s Resolutions

Since the arrival of 2012 (and probably a few weeks before), people have been blogging their New Year’s Resolutions. They have such high hopes for the New Year, setting goals, making wishes out loud and planning to become “better” by announcing their will to lose weight, save money, read more books, spend more time with loved ones, devote time to relaxing or growing their own vegetables, pampering themselves via spa treatments, etc. The lists go on and on. I have nothing against New Year’s Resolutions for others, aside from being skeptical that they will be long lasting. For myself? I don’t think I’ve made any since I was about 15 years old! I already knew myself well enough to know that a diet I would start on Jan. 1st would not make it to Day 12. It wouldn’t matter what I would resolve to do, I have poor follow-through.

 

Due to not wanting to set myself up for failure, I decline to set goals or announce any big plans that will more than likely fall through. Ideally, I suppose even the most happy people have something they want to better about themselves or their lives. I shouldn’t say I don’t want to “better myself” but I don’t want to be unrealistic. I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment, to be made worse for not accomplishing something else. Also by broadcasting my resolutions, it just draws attention to my inability to follow through and shows how lacking I am as a human being.

 

If I had a resolution this year? It would be to blog more. I can’t even make that “promise” since I know deep down, I’d be content if I even blogged as much as I did last year. It’s too easy NOT to do things. A resolution doesn’t really put the right kind of pressure on me. It doesn’t motivate me but it does make me feel like I’m not living up to what I could or should be doing. Hence, to me, it’s a negative thing, not a positive one.

 

I try to be positive in life as much as I can which seems to have caused me to drop my own expectations for myself. In some ways I have thrown in the towel on things like trying to lose weight, dressing up, keeping a dust-free house, etc. I don’t really push myself beyond trying to be a human being. I don’t know if that makes sense but some days it’s a victory just to survive. Not that my life is so bad or anything of the sort. It’s more a feeling like whatever I get done over and above the basics every day, is a bonus. I get dressed every day, no matter what. I haven’t resorted to laying around at home, expecting others to do things for me. I wonder if I’m letting myself off the hook but not striving for betterment? I don’t know if people are doing those things to impress others or just to make themselves feel better inside. I don’t think setting goals and riding myself hard to complete them would make me feel better inside.

 

Reading others’ New Year’s Resolutions makes me feel like an underachiever most of the time. The stuff people think up to do is quite ambitious. My favorites are ones like “Smile more at random strangers”.  Now they’re coming up with one word that you’re supposed to choose to define your 2012. I’m not someone who could limit myself to 1 word to describe ANYTHING. I couldn’t even pick several words for this year. If you held a gun to my head, I would come up with one: HELP. Not to get help from others or even to give help to others but to help myself as much as possible. I worry too much. I hold myself to a standard that most couldn’t live up to: expecting my memory to be perfect, expecting myself to be able to think of everything at all times, berating myself when I make mistakes (big or small), etc. I need to help myself cope with life so it’s not such a struggle. Sometimes I feel bad saying my life can be a struggle. Obviously, it’s not–it’s my perception of my life. I am so naive to think that even though life isn’t fair, if I do everything right, life will go smoothly. It doesn’t!! Never has and never will! And yet, I can’t accept that and still think I have some kind of control. Even at my age, I’ve got a lot to learn…

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Emotional Spelunking

It’s been so long since I’ve blogged, I reached the point that I was afraid I might never blog again. There isn’t a “point of no return” where blogging is concerned but I just know myself too well. I am worse than average at following through with things. I get brilliant ideas and am excited and after a couple of attempts, it turns out to be too much “bother” for me. I love to write and blogging is good for my soul. You’d think that in itself would be enough incentive to whip out the old laptop and fashion a new blog post. Unfortunately, it isn’t. :0

 

I’ve mentioned how I got away from reading books in the past and now have conquered that problem. I read every day, even if it’s only a few pages or a chapter. I’m very happy to have reading back in my life but all the excuses I had for not reading, have all switched over to be excuses for not blogging. Plus a few more thrown in. I realize it’s entirely up to me to inspire and discipline myself enough to produce a written piece. Whether it’s of quality or not is questionable. I came to the conclusion that even though I haven’t been blogging, I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time (in the middle of doing other things) thinking about blogging. What I’ll say, how I’ll say it, what my goals are, etc. Maybe I’m overthinking the whole process. That wouldn’t be surprising since I tend to overthink everything else in my life.

 

I am going to write for myself alone and hope it brings some benefit to me internally. If it also benefits me by garnering readers, so much the better. A lot of bloggers seem desperate for validation and I understand that. I love attention under the right circumstances. However, I am not willing to go to great lengths to get them. As I learned a long time ago in real llife, people either like you or they don’t. You can’t change that no matter how hard you try. There is still fear when revealing parts of your personality and opening your flaws up to examination by the unknown masses. So far I’ve been lucky but I’ve also been laying low. I haven’t been calling much attention to myself.

 

Part of my dilemna is that my blog doesn’t fit any niche I have seen. I cook with the best of them and love trying new recipes but won’t attempt a food blog. Too many others are already doing that better than I ever could. Same goes for photography. I enjoy pictures but there are an astounding number of photography blogs that I couldn’t hold a candle to. A humor blog is out of the question since I’m so not funny. I have a great sense of humor but I play the “straightman” in most all situations including with my husband. I’m not a mom so can’t be a mommy blogger, etc. I really don’t know what direction I want my blog to go in. Maybe emotional spelunking? I hate that word but it pretty much sums up what digging into the caves of hidden feelings could unearth.

 

I have no burning desire to be the best at anything. I don’t have a competetive bone in my body. I don’t need to win. As a child, I preferred hitting or throwing a ball back & forth with someone else to see how many times we could do it to playing a game of tennis, volleyball, baseball, etc. No scorekeeping, no rules, no blame, no expectations. I pretty much still live my life like that. Afraid to fail and also afraid to succeed. If I was met with any kind of success, I’d crumble. If I don’t try, I won’t fail. If I do try, I’ll do my best but not expect anything. It’s kind of a simplistic view to life but it keeps me from dealing with more than my share of disappointment. It also keeps me from starting things I know I won’t follow through on, like a diet or exercise plan. Maybe I can incrementally change this part of me by blogging more often and getting out my feelings and trying to figure out how I became the way I am. Some of it I know, other parts I don’t think I’ve ever reflected upon before.

 

This is the first blog post I started without having a definite topic in mind. To me it just sounds like a bunch of rambling. In any case, I’m going to start blogging more. I’m going to make up a list of subjects I want to blog about but also am going to blog about the little things that I thought weren’t worth bringing up or putting on paper or into the blogosphere. Don’t give up on me! I’ll see you back here real soon.

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Why Blogging is Like Swimming

As I was loading the dishwasher, it dawned on me how blogging is like swimming.  People either know how to do it or they don’t.  There are poor swimmers, good swimmers and everything in between.  The same can be said for bloggers.  Everyone and their brother (& sister, cousin, aunt, BFF, babysitter, mother, etc.) seems to have started a blog by now.  For many years I was pretty much against the whole idea.  At that time I’d only read 2 blogs and both bored me to tears.  To put everyone’s mind at ease, these belonged to a relative and an acquaintance I met in 1997.  These people wrote enough to pique my interest but divulged nothing that made me feel they knew how to write.

 

I’ve always thought everyone’s life is interesting, to one degree or another.  You just have to know how to relay the tidbits in a compelling manner.  I love reading memoirs and can enjoy reading about anyone’s experiences.  It doesn’t matter if they mirror mine or are vastly different.  I just think people are interesting.  And STRANGE.

 

The progression towards blogging was very gradual.  No one in the history of blogging has agonized as much as I have on whether or not to start a blog.  Weighing the pros and cons left me torn.  First I began delving into social media. I have fought with every fiber of my being against anyone who’s tried to talk me into joining Facebook.  I have looked around on the site using a friend’s User ID and know I want no part of it.  My own personal nightmare is having the people I went to high school with coming out of the woodwork and looking me up.  My 30th high school reunion takes place in August 2010 on the weekend of my birthday.  I can only think of 10 million things I’d rather do than meet up with the people I never liked anyway and hear them brag about their lives.

 

April of 2009 I joined the Twitter craze.  I was open to it right away and loved it even more than I thought possible. I feel like I’m a Twitter cheerleader, I love it so much.  My techniques in persuasion seem to be lacking because the majority of people I’ve tried to convince to get on it have refused.  Twitter is just adorable–full of funny, smart, clever, incredible people I can read about, interact with but not look at or touch.  It has filled a gap in my life I didn’t know I had.  I want to adopt Twitter as my long lost relative and BFF rolled into one.

 

 As soon as I got on Twitter, I realized what I’d been missing.  It always amazes me that a person can go through a portion of their life (or all of their life) not knowing that something exists.  I really was pretty clueless about the whole community of mommy-bloggers.  I had never heard of BlogHer or even knew what it was.  From tweeting, I found more and more blogs with ingenius names by mesmerizing personalities/characters.  I don’t read every blog all the time, I try to check in with a lot of them as time permits.  If I ever write something similar to what someone else has blogged about, dollars to donuts I’ve never even seen the other entry.  One of the things I pride myself on is being original.

 

Anyway, after identifying a world of bloggers who were too cool for school, I knew immediately I wanted to be a part of it.  As with swimming, you either jump in head first, do a cannonball or tip toe in gingerly from the shallow end.  Being the tentative/cautious type, I don’t dive in swimming.  Wading in from the shallow end is more my style. Usually after taking time to decide if I even want to enter the water at all.  The same goes for blogging.  I picked and registered my url in October 2009 and have pondered ever since if I should really do it.  One step closer was me signing up with WordPress since I can’t figure out how to post my blog directly from my website.  Even after all those steps, I wasn’t ready to get the ball rolling with my first post.

 

I am a private person but am also willing to share with friends what’s going on with me or things I’ve gone through.  I have opinions but as a rule I don’t share them.  I feel like everyone has something to say on any given subject, what makes mine more important than others, or even AS important?  I don’t want to give an opinion if it is going to cause someone else to feel like they have to defend theirs.  I don’t argue about politics or religion and dislike being around those who do.  I was raised watching my father and brother heatedly argue both every time they were together.  They were very close and to them it was a joy to verbally spar.  As an innocent bystander (child), it just made me anxious.

 

I have come up with every excuse in the book NOT to start a blog.  None of them really hold water.  Prior to writing this, I wondered if I did start one, would I be able to continue it.  I am not disciplined at all and know I couldn’t handle blogging daily.  For some, blogging comes as naturally as taking a breath.  I guess the only thing I can do it is to go back to the swimming analogy.  I won’t know if I like it until I get wet.

 

I took swimming lessons at the YMCA when I was growing up.  I hated them.  I didn’t even pass the beginners class because I couldn’t open my eyes under water.  I can swim the basics of dog paddle, sidestroke, backstroke, etc.  The 2nd summer I went for swimming lessons, they made us swim across the pool and see how we did and then decide which group to put us in.  They screwed up and sent me to the most advanced class.  I knew it was wrong but being shy, I figured they knew what they were doing.  The caliber of the other swimmers was about lifeguard level.  The first thing they had us do was tread water in the deepest water (over our heads) without holding the sides of the pool.  I was doing it but felt like I might go under at any minute.  After about 5 minutes, one of the instructors came over and told me to go to the beginners’ group.  I was relieved but also embarrassed like somehow I should have been good enough to be in that group and it was my failure that I wasn’t.

 

With blogging, I am going to ease my way into it and hope for the best.  I don’t want to get overwhelmed right away.  If I do, I am pretty confident I can find at least one lifeguard among the other bloggers to give me guidance or rescue me.

 

You can take lessons to learn to swim but are there lessons to learn how to blog?  Probably.  I am not one for organized classes though and have never liked being corralled in a group with others.  I get too self conscious.

 

What am I hoping to get out of blogging?  I am a wordy writer and hope to eventually learn how to cull the excess from my writing.  If I could gain some self confidence, I would be thrilled.  To really become part of the blogging community and go to Blogher 11 is my ideal goal.  To fit in at said conference would be a bonus.

 

A person who can’t swim can only wade in the water, jumping around to look like they are swimming.  Usually the non-swimmers confine themselves to the sidelines where they either completely ignore all water activity or they sit in judgement of those swimming.  They entertain themselves by being critical of everything from the person’s body to their selected swimwear.  The same could be said for bloggers.  There are those who only read blogs with no intention of ever starting their own.  Some blog for themselves, letting others enjoy the fruit of their efforts but don’t pay attention or care if others are blogging.  The most active bloggers are constantly reacting to what others post, giving support or criticism of the rest of the blogosphere as they see fit.

 

In swimming, you swim for pleasure or as a competitive sport.  I often think that bloggers approach their medium in much the same manner.  Some blog for pure enjoyment, sharing the important events in their lives.  The more competitive bloggers come up with things like blogging every day, or blogging about a specific topic and linking it to others.  The bridge between the 2 types feels like a wide chasm but that doesn’t mean there is a wrong way to blog. I’m not sure which direction this blog will go but I hope you’ll be along for the journey.  Please be kind since I’m a newbie at this.  All comments and helpful suggestions are welcome.

 

 

 

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